Don’t talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. And talk…

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When you’re Internet dating it’s possible to get too connected by phone before meeting. This is a rookie mistake worthy of avoiding whenever possible. When we do this, we get hooked, and guess what? Most men know in the first five seconds if they’re attracted to you (or not). The odds that it will work in real time for you and for him are much, much smaller than the fantasy of the telephone.

In 2008 I went on my first meet-and-greet coffee date (Date #13). Date #13 and I spent our first six hours getting to know each over the phone. I was charmed by him, as was he by me. His deep voice made me shiver, and I know I give pretty good phone too, so when it finally came time, we couldn’t wait to meet.

Within 15 seconds of being face to face at the Barking Dog Cafe, his disappointment of the in-person me was palatable. The warmth and animation I experienced over the telephone line were nowhere to be found. He hardly made eye contact, he drank his coffee as quickly as he could and was out the door in ten minutes flat. As a rookie, I was shocked and deflated.

So Why Do We Do It?

One of the reasons we like to connect by telephone is we want to vet him. We think we can learn about who he is before we waste our valuable time. We want to pre-qualify him for the job of boyfriend. This is an inefficient strategy. Think about it: You meet online and you write back and forth a few times, that’s 20-60 minutes of crafting the perfect email(s) and replying. Then you spend time on the telephone, like in my case, six hours. When you’re not writing or talking to him, you’re daydreaming about him. And about 90% of the time, it’s over in an instant.

Try this instead:

You could be out your front door, meeting someone at a café or wine bar within a mile of your home, and back from that date all within an hour if you timed it right. If you like his profile, go!

I’m Wendy Newman, a media-celebrated author & trusted dating, sex & relationship advisor.  Pick up my book, 121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily Ever After (Really!) here!

Wendy Newman

Wendy Newman

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