Category Archives: Sex

3 Lies Women Tell Themselves About What Men Want

woman sitting on couch

We’re making it harder than it has to be.

Maybe it started when your kindergarten friend pulled you aside and whispered a warning into your ear after seeing you dash across the schoolyard in a game of kissing tag at recess. Or later, when you told your best friend your most prized secret, that you’d had your first real kiss (with tongue!).

Certainly, some helpful female family member or friend laid down the facts for you when Aunt Flow came for her first visit. And by the time you were a grown woman, adulting all over the place — dating, hooking up, and everything in between — you not only had the facts, but you were also doling out sage advice of your own.

We, women, have been cautioning each other and having each other’s backs about men since the beginning of time, but some of the things we share about what men want are just bold-faced lies (whether we know it or not).

The real problem is this: These lies we tell make finding and keeping lasting love h-a-r-d.

Here are the top three worst offenders…and the truth about what’s really going on with men of all ages:

1. Men only want sex and they’ll do and say anything to get it.

I know your mama warned you…

Translation: Men are liars and tricksters. They’ll pull out all the stops to snatch your snatch before you can even comprehend what just happened.

There’s a second layer to this artfully frosted shit-cake of a lie, which is that they don’t care about any other part of you. They picked you because they thought they could get one over on you, stupid girl.

This line, often delivered by the well-intentioned among us, does more damage than it does good. It has us fearing men as a pack and diminishing ourselves instead of seeing people as individuals and putting stock in our own abilities to judge character.

Being valued just for our vaginas (as fabulous as they are) is not how most of us want to view ourselves. And besides, this one is just plain untrue. What’s charming and magnetic about a woman is what she’s passionate about, and guys are drawn to our authenticity, self-confidence, and passion.

There. Glad we put that one to bed.

2. Men are commitment-phobes. 

So, if guys only want sex and sex is available all over the place, why would they ever want to commit to us?

It’s surprising anyone gets together at all considering how bitter and untrusting this lie makes us. It’s not that guys are commitment-phobes; they just tend to have a different relationship and process to commitment.

Have you ever met a woman who liked a guy and said “yes” to a relationship, but she also had a lengthy laundry list of things she’d need to change about him? You know this woman, right? Ever see her in the mirror?

This is not the standard M.O. for most guys. They commit 100 percent to the entire laughs-too-loud, stays-up-too-late, is-grouchy-in-high-humidity, and is-an-over-sharer package or they don’t commit at all. And when someone else calls her on it in front of him, he says, “Yeah, that’s just how she is, but she’s adorable, isn’t she?”

Ever notice that when it comes to people trying to fix or change each other, the scales are heavily tipped to the female-doing-the-fixing side? This is where adages like “Get a man, keep a man, and keep him in line” comes from.

Can you imagine what we’d do if the common phrase was “Get a woman, keep a woman, and keep her in line” instead? Can you imagine? Because I can. We would lose our shit.

This whole changing and fixing business is why it takes men longer to commit. They need time to look and see if they are willing to commit to that whole package — and when they do, they’re in. No fixing needed.

Which is good news, and may calm your nerves for the last lie.

3. All men want are young, hot girls and not women their own age.

You’ve watched it happen. Your contemporaries are divorcing after the kids are off to college and within the first year, he has a smoking-hot girlfriend half his age and she’s still single. It’s true, just like you’ve always feared: Men want younger (than you) women.

If you’re married or partnered, does this have you wondering if you’re next?

Fun fact: Women initiate 60 percent of divorces later in life.

If you’re single, do you feel doomed that no man your age will want you?

“Am I attractive enough?” and “Is he still attracted to me?” are questions that plague most women throughout our lives.

This myth could have you living in fear, or leave you angry and bitter. Hey, guess what’s super unattractive to men? An angry, bitter woman.

When men go younger, it has everything to do with being able to impress her. What comes along with the distinguished gray hair is the need to be admired, and men are pretty insistent about this as a core need of theirs. This is also not a need that women his age are often willing to pony up.

So, when they start dating younger women, we’re stuck thinking, “I’m past my prime. He wants younger women and that’s it.”

But here’s the thing: He doesn’t care about how young the woman he’s dating is — he wants appreciation and playfulness.

If you got tangled up in these three lies, there’s hope! It’s possible to turn it all around. Replace these lies with some fundamental truths:

  • Men want sex (just like you do). They also want intimacy, connection, love, and companionship.
  • Men commit to the whole package. So, it takes a little longer for most guys to find their forever person.
  • Men want lasting love with someone who can be playful, admire him, and see and appreciate him for the man he’s become. When he’s met with that kind of respect and adoration in a long-term marriage or partnership, what he says next is, “I could have never done it without you.”

Men aren’t a total mystery, but they aren’t the same as women, either. Our different chemistry means that men don’t always do things the way women would, which often leaves us feeling hurt, dismissed, unappreciated, or unseen.

Taking the time to see and celebrate our differences can leave us in much better shape for each other.

I’m Wendy Newman, a media-celebrated author & trusted dating, sex & relationship advisor.  Pick up my book, 121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily Ever After (Really!) here!

By Wendy Newman originally published on YourTango.com.

The Jealousy Hack That Creates Happy, Healthy, Passionate Relationships

woman green with jealousy

You don’t have to be such a slave to jealousy.

Jealous (adj.): Fearful or wary of losing one’s position or situation to someone else, especially in a sexual relationship. —American Heritage Dictionary

Jealous much? Don’t hide under that green hoodie—it’s easier to get a handle on than you think. Jealousy stirs within you because of love (or lust), but it’s the very thing that can kill these things, too.

Luckily, this jealously thing is fixable, but whatever you do, don’t look to the lessons you learned as a kid (or teen, or even adult) for the fix. Our society has a bizarre relationship with jealousy that has screwed us over royally, so we’ll need to do some unpacking first.

7 bizarre societal lessons you’re taught about jealousy that mess you up (that are total myths):

1. It’s something that just happens to you.

You have no control over it. It comes out of nowhere like a glitter bomb at a nightclub.

2. It means you care about or love someone.

In fact, if you’re not jealous, do you really love him? Not a jealous person?

Maybe it’s not really love, then.

Wildly jealous? They must be The One.

3. It’s what makes a relationship hot.

Seriously? Yikes.

Let’s pause here. When you were in grade school, you probably learned all kinds of lessons about pushing up against the boundaries of what’s acceptable. One thing you likely learned was that it’s not okay for friends to be jealous of each other’s time, possessions, and other friends.

So maybe you made a friend when you were younger. A good friend. You had lunch with her every day, played on the playground together at recess, and told each other everything. Friendship is awesome!

Then, one day, she decided to have lunch with a different friend, and you freaked out. (Or maybe you were the friend being freaked out on.) This lesson eventually taught you that yeah, it’s super-not-okay to try and monopolize another person’s time and affection.

That was a hard lesson, wasn’t it? Turns out friends are allowed to have other friends—end of story.

Even if you learned this important lesson about friendship when you were about six, you were probably taught that it’s normal, okay, and even desirable to be jealous of a lover or spouse. It’s okay to act out jealous feelings. It’s okay to try to control your partner because of those feelings.

As you grew up, you were also taught that feelings are not an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

Chances are that by the time you were old enough to buy beer, you knew that a person couldn’t say to a judge, “I’m really sorry I murdered those people with an axe. But I was really sad, okay? My mom just got diagnosed with cancer” and get off from a murder charge. That’s not how it works.

But we are taught this exact thing about jealousy. We even have a name for acting out our jealousy or other intense feelings (often, though not always, related to sex and/or relationships) to the extreme:

4. Jealousy inspires crimes of passion.

This kind of offense often gets a lighter sentence than premeditated crimes.

5. If you’re experiencing a negative feeling that you don’t want to experience, then it must be somebody else’s fault.

That’s right, you’re feeling what you’re feeling, but the blame lies 100% with someone else. And whoever caused that feeling in you is responsible for fixing it.

If you’re angry at something I did, then your anger must be my fault. If I’m angry at something you did, then my anger must be your fault. Sound about right to you? Which leads to…

6. The responsibility of you not being angry (or jealous) anymore is on someone else.

Wait…what? That’s right. That’s what society has taught us.

***

Are you ready for an update to this agenda? Are you ready to say, “Screw you, jealousy, I want something better!”

Good, me too. On that hopeful note, here are three grown-up life steps you can use to get on the path to overcoming jealousy and living a happy, fulfilled life.

Step 1: Own your own feelings.

When you feel angry, hurt, scared, or jealous, notice the emotion. Maybe it’s a response to something someone else has done or said, or maybe it’s not.

But consider this: it isn’t that person who has to fix it. They’re your feelings.

Your feelings are yours like your toenails are yours. It’s all part of the package that is you. And you wouldn’t want to disempower yourself by giving me that kind of sway over you, would you? I mean, what if the other person doesn’t want to fix your feelings?

Maybe the person is a narcissistic asshole who doesn’t care about you. And if they’re responsible for how you feel, that would be terrible for you, right? Your life is now one continuous experience of misery because they don’t feel like fixing how you feel.

If they’re not showing you the love, consideration, and compassion you need but they’re showing favoritism towards others, your job is to recognize this and then to say, “Oh, I’m jealous and hurt. That’s mine.” Only then can you address their behavior from a place of constructive emotion.

Step 2: Locate the root cause.

Ask,

“What’s that about for me?”

“Why do I feel hurt by that?”

“Why am I jealous over that?”

Maybe it has nothing to do with the other person. Or maybe it does. You won’t know until you stop and ask yourself these kinds of questions.

Step 3: Ask for help from a place of partnership.  

Try, “I’m trying to sort out some feelings I have. Would you be willing to help me with this?”

You might say, “Would you say these words to me, and mean them? ‘I love you, and you’re the most important person to me.’”

Now, if you asked the other person that, they could say, “No way. See ya!”

But as someone who loves you, they’re more likely to say, “Oh my God, of course, I’ll say those words, I’m so sorry if you’ve been feeling any other way.” They’ll probably also give you a ten-minute speech about what you mean to them, and how amazing they think you are.

People who love you want you to know you’re loved by them. That happens every day. But what’s not common is for hurt humans to handle jealousy in this way.

Saying, “Oh, I’m jealous and hurt — that’s mine” is not normal.

It’s not common for folks to say to themselves, “I own my own feelings.”

What’s typical and predictable is the rant, “I’m upset. Say you’re sorry because you hurt my feelings. Fix it.” We go on the defensive instead of looking for ways to own our experiences and find common ground with which to address problems.

Jealousy and the lack of accountability for it is an intimacy and relationship killer. It weakens your position in the relationship and it interferes with mutual trust and a willingness to be vulnerable with each other.

While you can’t cure jealousy, you can harness it. You can use it for a highly constructive purpose—as a valuable signal to look inside and repair your own sense of self.

Whether you’re dating or married, experiencing jealousy at work, competition with other women, if you want to know how to curb someone else’s jealousy, or just get better about figuring out your needs and setting boundaries, grab this 32-minute audio recording Overcoming Jealousy here.

By Wendy Newman originally published on YourTango.com