Ask Wendy

Why Do Men Disappear Before We Even Meet?

Friday, April 20, 2017
Hey Wendy,

I am having difficulties on why men disappear. I am online dating, and we exchange numbers, talk for a little, then they disappear. I touch base with them the next day, I hear nothing. So frustrating!!!

Please help! I am so sick of men disappearing on me. Any suggestions?!?

Liz D – Albany, New York

Hey Liz,

Yes, I do have a suggestion. Don’t talk to them before you meet.

Wait, what? Am I crazy? No.

Let’s mix it up for you. I want you to go online, find guys that seem interesting and send them a quick note. Then answer guys reaching out who are worth saying “yes” to, and when you connect online through email that first or second time, say something like, “I like to keep things real and meet in person. If you ask me out, I’ll say yes,” and let them set something up with you.

Nothing is real until you’re face-to-face. That’s a fact you can take to the bank.

Vetting over the phone is overrated, and it’s clearly not working for you. Could be you, could be them—I don’t know. But over-connecting via phone and email with strangers who then disappear is one of the fastest ways daters are driven off of dating sites.

It’s not online dating. It’s online connecting. You make your connections online so that you can then date out in the real world. So, make it happen in the real world from the start.

If you are wondering, “Wendy, did you ever do this?” Yes! Toward the end of my dating experience, I could see that there were men whom I almost ruled out because I didn’t like their phone voice, but once I was in front of them, they were great. There were also instances in which I spent too much time on the phone connecting with them, and when we met we had zero in-person attraction. I started meeting guys because I liked their profile a lot (i.e. they looked smart and interesting) and I cut through the crap by getting in front of them quickly—yes, sometimes without even a phone call.

My guy and I emailed each other on a Monday and we met that Thursday. I think we only wrote two emails apiece, and they were short. No phone calls necessary.

We are together and happy. It can happen for you.

Good luck!

Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to