The 3-Step Approach to Finding a Love Match When You’re Shy

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Hey Wendy,

I’m very shy and submissive. How can I find a domineering woman?

Dan S.

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Hey Dan,

Being a shy person in the dating world is hard, as I’m sure you already know. Putting yourself out there to find the right woman for you will take action on your part that may feel difficult and awkward, but without taking these steps, it’s unlikely you’ll find who you’re looking for.

STEP #1: Be Willing to Be Uncomfortable

So, the first bit of advice I have for you is be willing to be uncomfortable. As you sit with that discomfort, remind yourself of the end game here—being with someone who makes you happy! Because while the dating process (for all of us) can feel anywhere from delightful to abysmal, it’s often a mix of both the majority of the time. So get yourself ready and willing to ride those waves until you hit the shore of Relationship Island.

STEP #2: Be Authentic

Do you know the fastest way to attract a woman looking for a shy, submissive guy like yourself, Dan? Share yourself authentically right there on the home page of your dating profile(s). You want to weed women who aren’t right for you out before you even get to the face-to-face portion of the dating cycle.

It’s perfectly acceptable to state right there in your about-me section that you’re shy and submissive and are looking for the right dominant woman in your life. But you don’t want to end it there. Most women need a whole lot more information about you before they’re willing to invest hours of their time meeting up for a date. Share a charming story from your life, or talk about what matters to you, or how you’d change the world if you could and why. Set yourself apart online by offering something more than “I like to travel” or “I’m a gym rat.”

STEP #3: Reach Out

I know, you’re shy. You don’t want to reach out. I get it. I didn’t want to reach out, either. But when I didn’t steel myself and take the icy plunge of sending that first message, guess what I found? The quality of humans coming my way were, let’s just say, not a good match for me.

Reach out to women whom you think might be a good fit for you.

Reach out a lot!

Craft a simple email about something you two have in common or something you admire about what she said in her profile. Ask her a question on something you’d like to know more about her. As you’re wrapping up, simply end with some version of “please reach out if you’re interested.”

Then don’t pay any attention to the women who don’t respond.

Just keep on moving forward.

The three big tricks to winning at dating are:

  1. You have to start.
  2. Don’t settle.
  3. Don’t stop—not until you get your heart’s desire.

Good luck out there!

p.s. I’ve designed a dating workshop for women, but you might find it useful. Check out my Ready for Love Workshop here.

p.p.s. You also might want to try FetLife and other kink sites like alt.com as well as vanilla sites like Facebook Dating and OkCupid.