Ask Wendy

How Soon Is Too Soon for Sex Talk?

Tuesday, May 23, 2017
woman looking at her phone as men won't stop texting
Hey Wendy

Sometimes when I chat with guys online, they are quick to talk about or reference sex in our first conversation. That creeps me out. Here’s my question: I’m wondering if I should try and get used to it, or do something differently because sexual banter is okay, or is this a major sign to leave that person alone?

Danielle H.

Hey Danielle,

When a guy talks about sex in the first few exchanges, he’s letting you know what he wants—and what he wants is, well, sex.

He’s also telling you he doesn’t have enough regard for you (or brains in his head) to not risk blowing it with you by bringing up boning before you’ve ever laid eyes on each other IRL.

He cares about what his dick wants way more than what you might need.

This is a flaming, red flag on fire.

Listen to your creep-o-meter—It’s dead-on.

Now, if you happen to be surfing sex-positive, “let’s all talk about sex right out the gate” sites, that’s a whole different game. This type of engagement is appropriate—welcome, even. Or if your profile suggested you are DTF —then you’d be getting back what you’re putting out, all good. But that’s not what’s happening here.

So what do you do? You don’t need to respond to these guys.

If you really, really want to, if you’re feeling like helping a brother out, you could say, “Hey, we’ve never met and you’re already being sexual with me. I’m out. I think a lot of other women would be too. Just say’n. Good luck!” You’ll likely end up with an insulting email back though, and those aren’t very fun.

So your four-step action plan is:

  1. Ignore these daters.
  2. Don’t settle or adapt to this nonsense.
  3. Keep going.
  4. And don’t stop until you get what you’re after.

This is part of what makes dating hard. And you are not alone. Thousands of daters are dealing with the same stuff too.

Good luck!

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