Ask Wendy

Should I Date Someone Who Identifies as Asexual?

Friday, February 28, 2020
Hey Wendy,

I met a guy I really like, and we’ve been hanging out a lot over the last few months. It feels like we’re dating, but we haven’t said what this is. And recently in conversation, it came up that he’s asexual, not to the point of having no attraction to anyone, but he doesn't want to have anything sexual with anyone at all.

Is it wrong of me to be turned away by this, and not want to date him, since he already knows that I am attracted to him?

Emily L.

Hey Emily,


This choice is on you, Emily—only you get to say if he’s wrong or oh-so-right for you.


When you’re dating, it’s useful to have a shortlist of attributes you’re hoping for, as well as one for deal-breakers you just can’t tolerate. These lists might look something like this:


He must be: funny, irreverent, whip-smart, kind to me, and a bit of a wordsmith. He can’t be sexist or homophobic, excessive in his vices, a hardened criminal, or someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.


If that last one on the “he can’t be” sample list is on your list too, then don’t date him. If having sex as a regular part of your romantic partnership is something you need—as in you’ll be upset or off-balance if you don’t have it—then that’s a deal-breaker for you. You’re not wrong for saying goodbye. If you want to be his friend, that’s fine, but I’m guessing you two aren’t dating in the hopes of finding a new pal. Don’t waste his time or yours.


And don’t worry too much about it. There are plenty of people out there in this big, wide world who don’t care about sex. Some women only wish they could find a guy who isn’t into it. If you’re one of those women, then date him. You’re mutually attracted, and you have the potential of having a yummy, snuggly, connected, comforting relationship where you have each other’s backs. There’s nothing wrong with that. If, however, sex is on your must list, then you two are fundamentally incompatible—and that’s perfectly okay.


Happy dating!

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