Ask Wendy

How Do I Say What I Want in Bed?

Tuesday, July 25, 2017
how to ask for what I want in bed?
Hey Wendy,

I’m in a new relationship, and I have a sex question for you.

How do I say things so he hears and believes me? i.e. in trying to communicate how I find pleasure, he corrects me and tells me what to do without hearing what I am trying to tell him that works for me.

Deborah E. - San Deigo, CA

Hey Deborah,

Well, that must be really annoying! Try a conversation when you’re not having sex; maybe over huevos rancheros and coffee the next morning.

If you do enjoy parts of your sex life, then this conversation can start with, “Hey, can I tell you something I really like about sex with you?” That should get his attention. From there, share some things he does that delight you, then tell him what would make sexy time even better.

If he dismisses what you say and tells you what works for you again, stop him in that moment and gently but firmly say, “Wait, nope, that isn’t my thing.” Then shift him to what is.

If he’s unwilling to take direction from you and it’s his way or the highway, then that’s some pretty damned good information you’ve just received about your relationship.

It’s really cool that you see that to be a good partner, communication is your responsibility. But it’s also his, and communication is a two-way street—he has to hear you just as much as you have to be clear about what you want and need from him. Sometimes we think it’s us and it is. Sometimes we think it’s us…and it’s not. Definitely try to communicate more effectively with him and see where it gets you, and if what you desire just isn’t coming across to him, consider that you two might not be right for each other. Your partner should want to know what you like and what works for you (as defined by you), just like you want to know what he likes and what works for him.

Good luck!

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