Ask Wendy

Why Am I Attracting Men Who Only Want Sex?

Friday, August 17, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I stepped out of my comfort zone and started online dating about a year ago. I've had no shortage of matches (it's the red hair) but all of my dates turn the conversation to sex at some point before we even meet. Sometimes it's in the first few text messages, "You're a BBW?" Or if it's a last-minute text asking, "Why don't we just skip drinks and meet at a hotel instead?"

Growing up as a curvy girl, I always felt self-conscious about my body. It took years to come out of my shell. Now that I'm in my late 30's, I've been embracing my curves and little by little I've been feeling beautiful and sexy again. I'm attracting a lot of 20-somethings, it’s helped me feel more confident.

But I want to know, why am I attracting men who only want sex and not attracting men who want to get to know ME? I'm exhausted from having the same conversations leading to the same disappointments. I'd love to date respectful, chivalrous, alpha men in my age range. How can I project in my online profile that I'm worth getting to know...that I'm not just online looking for a one-night stand?

Andrea I - Iowa City, IA

Hey Andrea,

Let me tell you something about men.  When it comes to dating, there are two kinds:

  • The kind that only want to have sex with you
  • The kind that want to have sex with you and get to know you.

This is a common misconception—thinking it’s either “sex” or “get to know me”—but it’s not or, it’s and.


How Can I Help My Unemployed Boyfriend?

Friday, August 10, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I've been dating a guy for 3 months. He recently lost his job and now he doesn't want to hang out. Every time we talk on the phone, he complains how horrible his life is. I of course want to be there for him. But he keeps pushing me away. I got a new job and he didn't even ask what it was. Do I leave him alone and let him call me? What does he want from me?

Emmarie D – Santa Monica, CA

Hi Emmarie,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this bumpy time in your new relationship. Honestly, I don’t know what he wants from you, so you’re going to have to ask him. And girl, this is not the time to be gentle or beat around the bush. Do it like a dude: Direct, to the point, no messing around. Try something like this:


Is he Into Me or Not?

Friday, August 3, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I'm dating (again) and here’s what’s happening over and over:

Scenario: We start writing online, I reply with a short but personalized note and ask an open-ended question to make it easy to keep the convo going. He replies with a short answer to my question but has no launching off point for continued conversation or any follow-up question(s) for me.

I reply with "Oh that's great" or "Sounds fun/delicious/entertaining/..." and leave it there and usually, he doesn't reply or does reply with a similarly non-stimulating short reply. My general approach has been, "He's not really that interested." And I let it go.

One of my (married) male friends gave me his opinion, which was “You should interpret any reply as interest, especially if he took the energy to answer your question."

Since then, I’ve tried keeping it going... but I've found when I take this approach I feel weighed down.

Any thoughts, reframes, or approaches that can keep it fun and have me not feeling like the steam engine generating the conversation?

Paisley- Lovington, VA

Hey Paisley,

Yeah, your married friend is wrong. Not his fault—he’s working with a skewed perspective because he has access to the attentions of his wife whenever he needs it.

For a single guy, even when uninterested, sometimes it’s worth taking a moment to fire back a quick answer to the cute girl who emailed you just to get another little taste of kindness, indulgence, or thoughtfulness. This, however, is not your job.


Why Don’t Men Approach Me?

Friday, July 27, 2018
Hey Wendy,

My friends ask if I get hit on a lot and I don’t. They are dumbfounded. They say, “I can’t believe men are not all over you because you’re strikingly beautiful.”

Men don’t approach me. Ever!

I know I must be sending out weird vibes. How can I overcome my awkward, scared nature when I am in the company of men?

Beverly W - Chicago, IL

Hey Beverly,

I could toss you a trite and simplistic tip like, “a stranger is a person just like you. They feel awkward and scared, too” but it won’t help guys approach you in public.

Never in all of history has it been tougher to meet people out in the world than it is now. The following might seem like a random tangent but bear with me.

The #metoo movement has caused a new awakening around consent, which is awesome! We needed it. Men are rising in the public eye in droves and they now understand that some of their actions toward us can feel threatening.


Why Am I Attracted to Married Men?

Friday, July 20, 2018
Hey Wendy,

Why am I attracted to married men? I don't mean to be. And we don't really start anything beyond communicating as friends, but there is still that crush or attraction that I have to get over, or else I wait for it to disappear over time.

It's that excitement when you get a message, it's that general good feeling of being around them (and they're not always even my physical type).

I feel some guilt even when I tell myself it's admiration and it will eventually not cause the same excitement in time.

I don't like beating myself up over liking a married person for being a beautiful human being. But there is that attraction and fascination and I don't know what I should do with it.

Thanks in advance for your insights on this.

Dianne T. ~ San Jose, California

Hey Dianne,

If you absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that you will never ever act on any of these feelings in any way, including flirting, then crush away. You have my blessing. Feel all the feelings guilt-free. That particularly sharp-edged zing we vibe on from the unobtainable can be delicious. And there is no shame in thinking thoughts.

Now, if you’re compelled to move beyond just a feeling that you keep to yourself, here’s why:


Should I Try to Reconcile with My Ex-Boyfriend?

Friday, July 6, 2018
Hey Wendy,

Should I reach back out to my ex-boyfriend to see if he's open to trying again?

My relationship ended last month, with a man whom I thought was "the one". I wasn't expecting the breakup, and needless to say, was heartbroken.

I mailed him a closure letter, and he actually mailed me one back. It was a very kind note, explaining that his breakup with me was not logical. He didn't feel like we connected in the way he hoped for, so had to listen to his heart.

Of course, I can't speak for him, but from my perspective, relationships aren't black/white, and we had chemistry. We "checked off" each other's boxes. He is highly sensitive, and more emotional than I am, but it didn't necessarily bother me. Except he could be high-maintenance at times. But I was willing to accept him because I loved him.

Anyway, he said to me a few times that he just wanted to be happy with me all the time. Which isn't really realistic, and I told him so.

Looking back at our relationship, there were a few moments where things didn't go perfectly, and we had miscommunications. I think it was those moments that led him to think things weren't going well. As well as the fact that I don't necessarily love everything that he loves, in terms of comedies, TV shows, etc., and he's told me he wished I did, so he can share some of his joys with me.

I think he wants a fairytale, hobbyist-type relationship, and it's not realistic, imo. Hobbies change, and there's no relationship that's always happy.

Is it a good idea for me to reach out to him, and see if he's open to seeing things from a different perspective and trying again? Or should I just let this one go?

Sabrina L – Dallas, TX

Hey Sabrina,

No! No, no, no, no, no, please, no.

There, now that we’ve got that initial primal scream of hell-to-the-no out of the way, I want to say thank you for asking my opinion. Circling back to see if you can go another round with this one is a bad idea—let this shishy go.


How Do I Stop My Husband From Interrupting?

Friday, June 29, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I’ve been married for a long time, and I’m struggling with a problem and would like your advice on how to talk to my husband about it.

There are times in my day when I’m focused on doing something like looking at my online calendar and preparing for the day; or getting ready to go out by doing my hair; or when I have my head deep in a project. What happens is my husband pops in and asks me important questions that would need my consideration, focus, dialogue, and decisions. He does this at times when I can't hear him or remember what he said. It’s distracting, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or cause him to feel like I’m putting him off or making him wrong. What should I do?

Heather F. – Reno, NV

Hey Heather,

It’s maddening, right? When a partner breaks our focus or blocks the flow of our transition between tasks it’s like getting pulled into another world – their world. They don’t mean to do it on purpose; they just don’t notice they’re doing it. You sound like a nice person who picked a good person who means well, so I appreciate your sensitivity around this subject.


How do I Learn to Hold My Boyfriend to a Realistic Standard?

Friday, June 22, 2018
Hey Wendy,

When I first got into my relationship, I was happy. I didn’t make a fuss about too much. He was late all the time and I dealt with it. There were other things that I put up with but as time went on I noticed I couldn’t keep ignoring the things that bothered me.

Eventually, those things made me angry. If he was late, I “nagged” as he called it. I don’t like being a nag but at the same time, I dislike when people don’t respect my time. I notice that when my friends are late it does bother me, but I won’t argue with them for it either. I’m not sure if his lateness is what really bothers me or his ability to act like it wasn’t a big deal that he’s late. I’m angry nearly all the time in this relationship, not just because of the late thing but because he downplays every situation and it feels like my feelings are invalidated. I don’t want to be angry. We’re two years in and I don’t know what to do.

Linda ~ Santa Rosa, California

Hey Linda,

There’s an old Pagan custom called handfasting. Like an engagement period, two people would declare a binding union between themselves for a year and a day. It’s like a trial marriage. It gives the couple the chance to see if they could actually survive marriage. After a year, the couple could either split as if they had never been married, or decide to stick together for the long term.

I think this is genius because a new love’s charm often has us running straight at our target with our eyes wide shut. Then when the newness wears off: damn it! Turns out there are things that just aren’t tolerable about the person you were so sure was the right one.


Why Do Guys Pull Away or Say, “I Don’t Want to Hurt You”?

Friday, June 15, 2018
Hey Wendy,

What do men mean when they say they don't want to hurt you? It seems to happen after they've pursued you pretty hot and heavy, and now you've agreed to get more intimate with them. All of a sudden, they seem to put on the brakes and waffle about moving forward. They say something like, "Hey, I don't want you to get hurt," or "I don't want to hurt you." What the what??

Are they wanting to see if you're a grown ass woman who can take care of herself and her feelings once sex is on the table? Are they providing a disclaimer that they're going to be a dick in the future and they're covering their ass, having warned you from the very beginning? What should we know about this?


Hey Chloë,

When I was writing my book, 121 First Dates, I read a lot of other dating books to see how mine would stack up against the competition. There were raunchy ones and spiritual ones, funny ones and serious ones, and on and on. But the one thing they all had in common was employing strategy!

The spiritual one encouraged women to set a date, then break it last-minute—the “give, withdraw, repeat” technique. Wait, what?! Another gave a cockamamy analogy of asking your potential prince to dive under a moving bus to fetch a prize you tossed under it, and if he emerged with it for you, he’d be a keeper. Huh?!


My Boyfriend Makes Me Feel Bad When He Looks at Women & Porn

Friday, June 8, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I’ve had numerous issues with boyfriends in the past that my current boyfriend knows about. I shared these things and he seems to be using them against me.

For example, he will make me feel bad when I confront him about constantly looking at other women. He will make me feel bad when I confront him about watching porn whilst I’m gone for a couple of hours. He will make me feel bad when I tell him how bad he is making me feel. Can you help?


Hey Ellie,

I’m sorry your boyfriend is triggering hurt feelings in you; the situation sounds combative and painful, and I’m truly sorry about that.

If looking at other women and porn are deal-breakers for you, you could definitely find a new boyfriend who doesn’t do either of those things. But you are not going to change your guy. Not with niceness, not with directness, not with a new shade of lipstick. (more…)

I Like a Slut and I Don’t Know What to Do

Friday, June 1, 2018
Hey Wendy,

So, basically, I’ve been getting with this fit girl, she’s so out of my league and seems to want to progress things on. One problem is that she is known as a slag. She was with one of my friends on the same night as we got together. My head says bin her off but my heart says forget it and go for it. It’s tough to bin her off because despite the ‘slaggyness’ I really like her and don’t think I’ll get any better. Should I bin her off or forgive her and pursue it?

Jerry – Leeds, UK

Hey Jerry,

You say, “My head says bin her off but my heart says forget it and go for it.” Jerry, that’s not your heart, that’s your dick.


Is It Too Late to Explore My Sexuality & Lifestyle Choices?

Friday, May 11, 2018
Hey Wendy,

At one point I saw myself as being married again, however, lately I’ve been thinking, do I really want that?

I have been reading and listening to talks about polyamory and soft swinging and it kinda has me intrigued. At this stage in my life, (in my sixties) is this even a good idea?

Most of the men I’m meeting on those dating sites have asked me about threesomes, both with another woman and with another man.

In the past, it’s not something I would have considered but for some reason, I am curious now.

How does a vibrant, healthy woman go about meeting people of like minds? I’d like to explore my sexuality in a non-judgmental way.

Sandy, Vancouver, B.C.

Hey Sandy,

Chapter 1—Exploring Sexuality at Your Age:

Is being in your sixties a good time to start exploring? Well, I’d say it’s a hell of a lot better than trying new things at twenty. I’m guessing that, at sixty-something, you’re confident, you know yourself, you’ve said the words “no thank you” a couple of times, have sharp discernment skills and possess very little need for shame—at least as compared to the twenty-year-old version of yourself. So, yes, now is an excellent time for you to explore anything that interests you. Sixties are the new thirties!


My Boyfriend Has Friendships with Other Women, Help!

Friday, May 4, 2018
Hey Wendy

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 15 months. We have a lot going for us and we are both super attracted to one another.

He has quite a history with the ladies. He said he thinks that he slept with over 150 women, and he is 48 yrs. old.

Over time, I’ve discovered he has close to 50 ex-girlfriends and/or ex-lovers as Facebook friends. He’s close to four or five of his ex-girlfriends. He insists on having emotional ties to a variety of women and he insists on going out for drinks with some of them now and then, and I am not invited.

This is a major issue in our relationship, as I feel like he has so many ties with other women that it takes away from time and energy in our relationship together. He can be a shameless flirt at times, and I think he basically just loves attention.

I know that there is nothing I can do to change his past behavior, but my issue is with his present behavior and all of the attention seeking from women, and the women posting comments for him on Facebook and elsewhere. Though he isn't doing this too often, he refuses to give up spending time alone with exes.

Is this situation doomed, or is there a way that I can relax and be alright and feel safe with him?

CC - Washington D.C.

Hey CC,

I’m sorry your boyfriend’s entanglements have gotten your hackles up, and I get it. The continued presence of these ladies in his life must make you feel like your situation is volatile and unsafe. And you’re right—he’s not going to change. He may curb some behaviors for you (and potentially resent you for that), but fundamentally, he won’t change.


Is a Guy Gay If He Wants Anal Play?

Friday, April 27, 2018
Hey Wendy,

Does it mean a guy has bisexual tendencies if he mentions he wants anal play?

I'm getting to know this guy; we were fooling around, and he mentioned he wanted a certain type of movement from me as we were dry humping and I was in the more masculine position. When I didn't understand, he explained, "You know, like if you had a dildo and were f---ing me."

I'm not sure what to think. I mean, if I had met him online, I could see that he considers himself straight or bi or bi-curious or whatever, but since I met him IRL, I don't have any of that info upfront. How could I bring this up to get more clarity from him?

I'm not sure how I feel about screwing a guy with a dildo. And I can't really see myself with a bisexual man, if that's what it comes down to. It might be a deal-breaker. Anything else I should consider that I'm not seeing yet? Thanks.


Hey Zoe,

Pegging! The sex act of fucking a guy with a dildo is called pegging. And it’s not just for bisexual men—it’s for anyone! Straight guys, gay guys, bi guys, the ladies, trans, cis, and gender-fluid folks, too. I suppose the only group of guys that pegging is not for is asexual guys—oh, and also guys who don’t want anything stuck up their asses, regardless of orientation.


Why Do Men Disappear Before We Even Meet?

Friday, April 20, 2017
Hey Wendy,

I am having difficulties on why men disappear. I am online dating, and we exchange numbers, talk for a little, then they disappear. I touch base with them the next day, I hear nothing. So frustrating!!!

Please help! I am so sick of men disappearing on me. Any suggestions?!?

Liz D – Albany, New York

Hey Liz,

Yes, I do have a suggestion. Don’t talk to them before you meet.

Wait, what? Am I crazy? No.