Ask Wendy

How Do I Navigate This Friends with Benefits?

Friday, November 24, 2017
Hey Wendy!

I’m in some type of something with a guy. He’s been depressed so he hasn’t wanted to hang out with me or anyone else for quite a while. I think I need to give him some space. He noticed that I’ve been asking to hang out every chance I get. He said it makes him feel bad saying “no” when he just wants to be alone. I also text him first a lot.

Basically, I’ve heard that giving a guy some space is a good thing but it’s hard. I can’t imagine a good outcome if I do. Your advice would be great.

Sandra L – San Francisco, CA

Hey Sandra,

One of the hardest parts of being single is not having the sex, intimacy, and connection we crave. Friends-with-benefits can be a nice situation for those of us who want that (and can handle the downsides that come with the FWB package).

The friends-with-benefits package you negotiate should be one that works for you, 100%. Have it be an EXCELLENT package. Don’t take less than you desire. Because if what you really want is a long-lasting partnership with lots of regular communication and intimacy, there’s nothing worse than settling for an FWB and then getting less than what you’d hoped for out of that situation. It’s measly crumbs when what you want is decadent cake.

I know you probably fell into this “thing” of a sexual relationship, but I suggest you fall out of it and start up something new with someone who can see you at the frequency that you prefer. Considering what you’ve told me, I predict that falling out won’t be all that difficult. All you need to do is stop reaching out to him and it will end all on its own. If you like him as a platonic friend, then go ahead and check in with him from time to time, catch a film, grab a coffee, but this guy doesn’t seem to be in a good enough place to give you anything right now. Don’t let waiting around for him to snap out of it be your game plan.

Good luck!


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