Ask Wendy

My Ex Slept with a Tinder Date Hours After We Broke Up. Help!

Friday, January 17, 2020
Hey Wendy,

My ex and I broke up two weeks ago and there’s zero chance of getting back together. One week after the breakup I went back to pick up some stuff. He told me he slept with someone from Tinder the day we broke up.

Now that I’m back in the dating world I feel like I need to be through with him, but I just can’t. It feels like we’re in a competition to get into a new relationship. How do I get over this and stop competing with him?

Lisa S.

Hey Lisa,

Please understand – I mean feel-it-in-your-bones understand—that fixating on beating your ex in some sort of relationship Olympics will guarantee you future relationship disaster.

Breathe.

What your ex did and the timeframe in which he did it has no bearing on your life and your happiness.

Take another breath.

Okay, ready to get busy shaking it off?

Grab a glass of water, a piece of paper (or ten), and a pen, and write him a letter. Get it all out. The rage, the disappointment, the shattered hopes and dreams, the betrayal you feel, the how-could-yous. Everything. If it takes twenty-five pages, keep writing. And at the end of it all, double-check to see if there’s anything else. And then when it’s all out of you and on the page, go find a lighter and burn the entire thing (safely).

Take a day or three to tend to yourself. Go to the gym, or hiking, or take bubble baths, or get a massage, buy yourself some flowers—whatever both tends to your physical self and nurtures your soul.

When you’re feeling a bit restored, grab more blank paper and start writing again:

“Dear ____.” (Use your version of God, the universe, spirit, the divine, whatever suits.)

“Thank you for this last relationship. I learned a lot!

I’ve learned what I really desire in a relationship is ___.” (Write as much as you need to here.)

“And what I’m done experiencing in a relationship is ____.” (Again, write as much as you need to here.)

“Thank you for those lessons. I’ve now learned them, and I look forward to being surprised and delighted by who you send to me next.”

Then sign your name.

When you’re all done writing this letter, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Do you feel better? Grounded? If the answer is no, maybe you need some more comfort, time with friends, counseling, sleep, or just more reflective time and tending to yourself. Use your intuition to know what you need next.

If the answer is yes, you do feel grounded, then get online and start reading profiles and reaching out to guys who match what you’re looking for now.

Sending healing love and a good match for you in the next round.

Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to [email protected].