What I see here is a common theme amongst the sisterhood. We say, “yes” to a relationship with the cute catch standing in front of us without saying “yes” to the whole package as-is. We say “yes” to a relationship, but what we really mean is, “Yes, I want to be with you…right after I get done fixing you.” This doesn’t go over well with men, and as you’ve seen from your past, trying to change a man often doesn’t turn out well.
So, you’ve got a man who doesn’t seem all that interested in consulting a doctor, he drinks, has high blood pressure, ED, and anxiety—that’s the package. Can you live with him, love him, support him, and not try and change him as he is right now?
If the answer is “no,” then before you walk away, let him know your boundaries and needs. It might look something like this: “Love, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you this much sooner, but it’s very important to me that my partner has a high level of accountability when it comes to minding his health. Frankly, your health doesn’t seem that important to you. I can’t do this for you, I can’t change you, and I don’t want to be a nag. So, will you let me know if you’re interested in becoming that man so that I can stay? Or should we go our separate ways?” A bit brutal? Maybe, but honesty is essential when it comes to your deal-breakers.
You also have to tell him what staying would look like, specifically; as in seeing the doctor annually, what to do when problems come up, actively and timely resolving health issues through habit changes, medication, etc. Saying “I need accountability” without getting into the nitty-gritty details of what that accountability means isn’t fair to him.
I went on 121 first dates to meet my partner, and the biggest reason it took me so damned long to meet him was because I was unwilling to partner with someone I had to change. He had to show up as the package I could get behind and support as-is. I recommend this for all daters. Figure out what you’re looking for and what your dealbreakers are. Then only say “yes” to the one you’re not looking to change. Fixer-uppers are fabulous when they’re houses, not when they’re humans.