Ask Wendy

How Do You Love Someone & Remain Detached?

Reprinted from September 20, 2016
How Do You Love Someone & Remain Detached?
Hey Wendy,

When getting serious and moving from dating into relationship, how do you open to adoring someone and also remain detached?

Meredeth F. — Davis, California

Hey Meredeth,

I don’t. And if you want an intimate relationship, you don’t either. Romance is tricky business. You actually have to be vulnerable. That’s where the magic happens, and nothing deep will ever develop if you’re working at being detached.

Perhaps your real question is, “How do I be adoring of someone and not appear needy or lose footing in a new relationship?” or “How do I adore this person and not be hurt?” Good luck with that second one!

My answer remains the same.

For real connection, you need to open your heart. Just be you. Be real, vulnerable, willing to love, and through it all maintain your own full life. What keeps you interesting is not detachment or being aloof, it’s that strong, sexy backbone you have when you’re autonomous and pursuing your interests and purpose.

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