Ask Wendy

Is It Too Late to Explore My Sexuality & Lifestyle Choices?

Friday, May 11, 2018
Hey Wendy,

At one point I saw myself as being married again, however, lately I’ve been thinking, do I really want that?

I have been reading and listening to talks about polyamory and soft swinging and it kinda has me intrigued. At this stage in my life, (in my sixties) is this even a good idea?

Most of the men I’m meeting on those dating sites have asked me about threesomes, both with another woman and with another man.

In the past, it’s not something I would have considered but for some reason, I am curious now.

How does a vibrant, healthy woman go about meeting people of like minds? I’d like to explore my sexuality in a non-judgmental way.

Sandy, Vancouver, B.C.

Hey Sandy,

Chapter 1—Exploring Sexuality at Your Age:

Is being in your sixties a good time to start exploring? Well, I’d say it’s a hell of a lot better than trying new things at twenty. I’m guessing that, at sixty-something, you’re confident, you know yourself, you’ve said the words “no thank you” a couple of times, have sharp discernment skills and possess very little need for shame—at least as compared to the twenty-year-old version of yourself. So, yes, now is an excellent time for you to explore anything that interests you. Sixties are the new thirties!

I’m sure you’ve already experienced the law of attraction; it’s no different here. Simply by focusing your attention on this new arena, you’ll naturally attract like-minded people to you. That is if you leave your house.

To boost your odds, use Google and Meet-Up to learn what’s happening in your community and be on the lookout for new opportunities. And just like anything else in life, watch out for those people who are interested in you just because you’re a newbie.  Keep your eyes peeled and dial up a readiness for setting clear boundaries stretched so far out in front of you that you’ve got a nice, wide path to move gracefully through this new adventure.

Here’s some good news: You can expect those swimming in the “open relationship” pool to exercise a higher level of integrity, communication, and emotional intelligence than most. If they don’t, run (don’t walk) away from them.

Chapter 2—Threesomes:

As a wise man once said, “We as people should be empowered and able to ask for anything we want. And with that, when we get a ‘no,’ we should never ask again.” If you are intrigued, explore. If you are responding to other people’s preferences and it seems like all the available guys out there have said preferences, rest assured that this item does not come standard with the open-relationship package; it’s a specialty add-on item. You can take the add-on or you can take the standard, erm, package.

If you’re unsure how to proceed since you’re uncertain if you’ll like it or not, here’s a helpful phrase for you to adopt: “I’m curious, but I don’t know if I’m going to like it. Can we talk about how we can investigate this together?”

Chapter 3—Marriage vs. Open Relationships & Polyamory:

Instead of wondering, “Should I get married again?” maybe the real question is, “Do I want to a traditional marriage? Or do I want something less conventional?” Because this isn’t a this-or-that kind of question anymore. Plenty of people are married and open and/or poly.

You get to design your relationship any damned way you want to. It’s yours! Wear rings, don’t wear rings. Sleep with more than one person or not, together or not. Decide that maybe you don’t need rules, but instead best practices and mutual agreements of respect. You could even decide to do something really radical and not “own” each other at all in the legal sense. You could be free humans living under the same roof who get to lovingly choose to be together every day (married or not). You don’t want to live under one roof? Fine, get side-by-side Winnebagos. No one gets to judge here. Okay, maybe they’ll judge, but you’re over sixty, so who cares?

And when it comes to you and your partner’s (or partners’) relationship styles, they don’t need to match up 100%. Your new guy could be monogamous but doesn’t care that you’re not. Or maybe he’s poly, but you just want to be a swinger—it’s all good, just as long as everyone is on the same page about it and it’s working. There are a million different ways to have an open relationship, and they don’t need to look alike, not even inside of said relationship(s).

One more hot tip for designing your future partnerships: To avoid stress and complications, involve yourself only with those who are responsible for their own feelings, show a higher level of integrity, and possess emotional intelligence greater than most.

Good luck!

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