Ask Wendy

Is he Into Me or Not?

Friday, August 3, 2018
woman on bed with dog on her laptop
Hey Wendy,

I'm dating (again) and here’s what’s happening over and over:

Scenario: We start writing online, I reply with a short but personalized note and ask an open-ended question to make it easy to keep the convo going. He replies with a short answer to my question but has no launching off point for continued conversation or any follow-up question(s) for me.

I reply with "Oh that's great" or "Sounds fun/delicious/entertaining/..." and leave it there and usually, he doesn't reply or does reply with a similarly non-stimulating short reply. My general approach has been, "He's not really that interested." And I let it go.

One of my (married) male friends gave me his opinion, which was “You should interpret any reply as interest, especially if he took the energy to answer your question."

Since then, I’ve tried keeping it going... but I've found when I take this approach I feel weighed down.

Any thoughts, reframes, or approaches that can keep it fun and have me not feeling like the steam engine generating the conversation?

Paisley- Lovington, VA

Hey Paisley,

Yeah, your married friend is wrong. Not his fault—he’s working with a skewed perspective because he has access to the attentions of his wife whenever he needs it.

For a single guy, even when uninterested, sometimes it’s worth taking a moment to fire back a quick answer to the cute girl who emailed you just to get another little taste of kindness, indulgence, or thoughtfulness. This, however, is not your job.

Your approach and gut intuition are dead on—he’s not really that interested. And if I’m wrong and he is into you, then the alternative isn’t any better—he’s a dude with so little game he can’t carry on a basic conversation with you. I don’t know about you, but that’s a show-stopper for me, and not in a good way.

The guy worth pursuing reaches back, engages, asks you questions, is curious about who you are, and wants to meet in person pronto.

So, to conserve your battery until he shows up, just let these blah responders die on the vine. I’d hate for you to have a “I’m done with online dating” final straw moment in the middle of yet another heroic attempt to craft a clever response to, “Yes, I like Philz Coffee better than Pete’s.”

Cut the dead weight already.

Happy dating!

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