Ask Wendy

Is a Guy Gay If He Wants Anal Play?

Friday, April 27, 2018
sexy woman
Hey Wendy,

Does it mean a guy has bisexual tendencies if he mentions he wants anal play?

I'm getting to know this guy; we were fooling around, and he mentioned he wanted a certain type of movement from me as we were dry humping and I was in the more masculine position. When I didn't understand, he explained, "You know, like if you had a dildo and were f---ing me."

I'm not sure what to think. I mean, if I had met him online, I could see that he considers himself straight or bi or bi-curious or whatever, but since I met him IRL, I don't have any of that info upfront. How could I bring this up to get more clarity from him?

I'm not sure how I feel about screwing a guy with a dildo. And I can't really see myself with a bisexual man, if that's what it comes down to. It might be a deal-breaker. Anything else I should consider that I'm not seeing yet? Thanks.


Hey Zoe,

Pegging! The sex act of fucking a guy with a dildo is called pegging. And it’s not just for bisexual men—it’s for anyone! Straight guys, gay guys, bi guys, the ladies, trans, cis, and gender-fluid folks, too. I suppose the only group of guys that pegging is not for is asexual guys—oh, and also guys who don’t want anything stuck up their asses, regardless of orientation.

The misconception that men who want anal play must be on the gay spectrum is a common one. But anal play and being sexually attracted to other guys are not necessarily linked. Fun fact: Did you know there are gay men who don’t like anal play at all? Yep.

If he’s asking to be pegged by you, I wouldn’t leap to the conclusion of bisexuality like I would if he were asking for a threesome with you and another dude.

So, what’s up with this pegging thing? Those who are willing to brave the territory and who make it past the initial “ouch this really hurts” phase that some experience say that receiving anal pleasure feels really amazing.

Good for him for being able to speak his desires aloud!

Good for you for not running screaming from the room!

My advice (and this applies to any sex act) is to sit with it for a moment and see if you are willing to do this thing that makes him happy. If it’s something that seems a little weird but won’t cost you anything to do it—and you want to because it’s hot for him—then cool, give it a whirl. And since you don’t know how it’s going to go, give yourselves an out, like a safe word, to slow down or end the play. Also be sure to build in some post-sex snuggle time to tend to each other regardless of the outcome of your shared adventure.

If doing the act is something that would cause you to lose respect for him or for yourself, or it’s just too much of a mental toll on you, then it’s completely fair to draw the boundary gracefully by saying very gently, “Wow, I’ve never heard of that until now. I don’t do that, and I need you to know that it’s not something I’m interested in doing.” Then stop talking and listen to what he says next.

If you do end up taking the pegging plunge, I’ve heard from pegging experts that it can be hard for women to do it at first. It can make your hips a little sore because of the back-and-forth thrusting movements. Our bodies are more adept at moving in a circular sway. If you’re curious and you live in a substantially sized city, you can probably take an evening class on it at your local sexy shop.

One last thing: We all absolutely and unequivocally get to desire what and whom we desire. That said, I invite you to investigate why you don’t want to be with a bisexual man. I’m not asking you to change your mind—I only want you to understand fully and exactly why you don’t. What’s that about for you? What hidden fears might be buried under that reservation? Knowing why can help you in your dating and sorting process, and may just lead to a huge growth moment.

Good luck!

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