Ask Wendy

Is This an Invasion of My Privacy or is This Normal?

Friday, April 24, 2020
Hey Wendy,

I don’t have a problem with my girlfriend seeing what I do, what I post on social media, or who I text – I don’t have anything to hide. I’m very faithful, I don’t cheat, and I don’t have a history of cheating. That said, I often have to explain why I liked or commented on another person’s post. She wants my passwords to my computer and phone and because I won’t give them to her, she thinks I’m hiding something. She thinks I’m being unreasonable by not handing over my passwords. What do you think?

Lucas P.

Hey Lucas,

Thank you for your question. Tell you what—Why don’t you mix up a nice, tall glass of her favorite beverage, sit her down, and since she likes to be privy to what’s on your laptop screen, hand it over with this column open, because this response is written directly to her.

Girlfriend. Girl. Friend. No. Nope. Nuh-uh. This is not okay. Not even a little bit. You are being unreasonable, so please knock it the fuck off.

When you two got together, did you think he was a good person? Someone you could trust? If the answer is “yes,” then my next question is what changed? If something happened and now you don’t trust him, that’s a conversation you need to have together—today. Otherwise, if he has a track record of being trustworthy, this is all on you.

Here’s how healthy relationships go: When you’re a couple, you get to spend a lot of quality time together, and that’s pretty great. You also get to spend time away from each other (even if you live together, and yes, even in a pandemic!) Now here’s the important piece: What your partner does (or doesn’t do) in his “alone time”—who he talks to, what he likes, what he reads, what he thinks about, the images he views, the videos he watches—all of this is none of your business. You asking/pestering him about it is beyond rude. It’s out of line.

We all have a right to our privacy, and private information like passwords isn’t something you’re entitled to just because you’re his girlfriend.

This level of jealousy is not healthy, and your feelings of jealousy are not his problem to handle or his responsibility to soothe. He doesn’t need to explain himself so you can feel better about this issue. Your wellbeing is yours to manage. Don’t ever leave the stability of your emotional life in the hands of anyone other than yourself. I want you to be okay out there.

If you need help learning how to overcome jealousy, I have a 28-minute audio class for you here, or come find me for some one-on-one help. I don’t want to leave you hanging if there are real issues between you two.

If this is a problem you’ve had in your past with other men, not your guy here, then you need to get to work on healing that. That healing starts with “some men are…” instead of “all men are…”.

Now, please apologize to him and hand him his laptop back.

Good luck!

Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to Wendy@WendySpeaks.com.