Ask Wendy

Who Initiates Communication Between Dates?

September 2, 2016
Who Initiates Communication Between Dates?
Hey Wendy,

I'm dating but I'm confused... Who initiates communication between dates? 

Malinda I. — Baltimore, MD

Hey Malinda,

After a first date, I would initiate contact. I’d write a quick email thanking him for the time we had. I did this to send the unspoken message it was safe to ask me out again if he were so inclined. These emails were always short; here’s a sample: “Hi Sean! I had a lovely time with you today. Thank you so much for taking me to the Legion of Honor Museum. I love that place! But my favorite part was sitting on the lawn getting to know you. You’re interesting. I hope you have a fun week ahead. Wendy”

Ball tossed squarely over his fence to pick up or leave behind.

There are a million experts who will tell you what I just recommended is a terrible idea! They’ll say things like by emailing first, I’ve just given all my power away by letting him know I liked him. I shouldn’t seem too eager, after all. Okay, if a guy really thought like that? Ewwww, gross, I don’t want to date him. By writing, I’ve successfully screened him out of my life.

I’m a communicator. I want people to know where I stand, and I want to help make their process feel safe and easy as well. It’s who I am. So this was my method, and many men who were the recipients of such emails appreciated them and asked me out again.

What approach will work best for you? It may be entirely different, and if it’s congruent with who you are, then it’s a good one — unless it includes 25 text messages in the space of 15 minutes just after leaving his side. You might rethink that one.

Happy dating!

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