Ask Wendy

What If I’m Not His Type?

Friday, May 19, 2017
red head on computer
Hey Wendy

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He recently admitted to me that he was generally attracted to a different body type than mine and that he sometimes finds me physically unattractive.

He now feels awful for telling me, and he likes me in every other way. He says he and I just click, he's happy, and he's never been in a relationship so long.

He also emphasized that this was not how he always feels about me, but fuck, what do I do with this? I am not an unattractive lady. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but ughhh...

Sarah A — online

Hey Sarah,

Wow, I’m so sorry! That must have been incredibly painful to hear and a real hit to your ego. Ouch!

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there are plenty of guys out there who will be attracted to you just as you are. The bad news is that this situation is not good news for your relationship.

There are some folks who sign up for a companionate relationship, where it’s not about attraction and physicality but rather about hanging out together and being there for each other through the good and the bad. This kind of partnership is based on mutual respect, good company, and integrity. If this is something you want to sign up for, you could stay.

I happen to be a woman who does not have a classically “attractive” body type, and I looked long and hard for someone who found all of this attractive, just how it is. Personally, I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t find me yummy. In fact, there were a couple of really great guys who liked me for everything else and wanted to give it a go to see if I’d “grow” on them, but I’m not a vine. You either love it—all of it—or you don’t, end of story.

I came to this conclusion through my fifteen years of studying men. I’ve learned from interviewing hundreds of them that we don’t “grow on” guys the way guys can grow on us. Remember back to that one guy you maybe dated in college? He wasn’t hot to you when you met him, but once you got to know him better and saw his whip-smart humor, his kindness, and his style, he grew on you? Yeah, men don’t tend to go through the same process as we do when it comes to attraction.

I know ending a relationship is messy and kind of a big deal, so I’m not telling you to do that. I am asking you to ask yourself: Is it enough to stay with someone who doesn’t find me attractive and desirable?

Being desired is an important ingredient in an intimate relationship. As women, when we’re not desired or wanted sexually by our mate, over time, a little part of our spirit dies. And I don’t want that for you.

Look deep, and good luck.


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