Ask Wendy

How Do I Say I’m Not Interested?

Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Hey Wendy,

What's the best way to communicate that you're not interested in dating outside your race just because it's not your flavor of attraction?

Quinn C. — San Jose, CA

Hey Quinn,

If you’re an online dater, you can use the sorting filters they provide. This gives viewers information about your preferences but won’t block them from contacting you.

If someone who isn’t your type contacts you, it’s okay to say “no.” If you’re not feeling it because your suitor is of a different race, or twice your age, half your age, works full-time as a walking sandwich board, or has beady eyes, try this reply: “Thanks so much for reaching out! After reading your profile I can see we’re not quite a match. Good luck out there!” If they reach back to engage after that, use that key on the top right of your laptop labeled “delete.”

We worry we’ll offend or hurt feelings. Don’t go out of your way to be mean, but this is a stranger. Do you want to know what you owe a stranger? Nothing! Common courtesy is an added bonus.

Also, we don’t want to appear judgie. Be judgie! Be very, very judgie!  If you happen to be in the market for a partner for life, you’re going to be spending a ridiculous amount of one-on-one time with this person. So you better really like who they are and want to hang around them. You, my love, can have any and as many preferences as you want. You get to decide who you hang around.

You are discriminating — it’s true. But when I use the word “discriminate” I mean the first definition in my trusty American Heritage Dictionary, “to make a clear distinction”, as in distinguish your preferences, kinda like how I do when I’m standing at the counter at Baskin-Robbins. I pick mint chip every time — I’m discriminating. Never do I pick strawberry. And strawberry never gets mad at me for liking mint chip better. 

 

 

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