Ask Wendy

How Do I Know if We’re Compatible?

Friday, November 16, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I’ve recently started dating a guy and he seems great. However, he seems to be a big drinker. I love a glass of wine and socializing but I’m not a massive drinker—and I also like to watch my weight.

We’ve been on eating and drinking dates so far, though I did arrange one game of putt-putt.

His life seems to revolve around going to the pub. I’m worried he’ll just want to go out drinking with me all the time, which I’m not keen on. Does this mean we’re not compatible? Maybe it’s what many single guys do?

Katy T – London, England

Hey Katy,

I’m happy you’re seeing someone you like, that’s fantastic! Now it’s time for you to add in the next element to your dating process. Most of us think of dating as fun adventures going out on dates; that is a huge part of dating, but we shouldn’t’ skip the important step of actually exploring compatibility while having these adventures. Compatibility goes far beyond things like he’s cute, fun, and good in bed (although those things are not to be dismissed). Will your day-to-day lives and everything they contain mix, or will they separate like oil and vinegar?

Due to a combination of social norms and new-relationship nerves, it’s common to drink and eat a bit more than what’s normal for you when you’re just starting to date someone. However, you can design your courting experience any way you like, so it doesn’t have to go like that. Do more of what you’ve done, like arranging putt-putt dates. You could walk around a lake or through a park. Wait, winter in London…maybe Harrods or grab a coffee and take in the Christmas lights on Regent Street? If you’re feeling particularly high energy and your guy is game, you could even go sledding, skiing, or other exciting winter activities.

If his life revolves around the pub and you’re not much of a drinker, you want to find out what that means for both of you if you end up in an LTR—and do so sooner rather than later. Consider the whole picture. How much time will he be spending at the pub when you’re not there with him? If the answer is “a lot,” are you fine with that? If you like a lot of alone time, that might work! If you’re hoping that because you don’t drink much, he won’t drink out as much once things get serious, you’re probably going to regret it. Right now is the time for both of you to be honest about who you are and what your lifestyles look like. While certain compromises can surely be met, if there’s a clash in the fundamentals of how you both most like to spend your time, then that isn’t likely to resolve well.

Also, you asked isn’t this what most guys do? It kinda doesn’t matter what most guys do, because it’s not what you do. You don’t need most guys, you need your guy, and from what I can tell, that guy doesn’t drink that much.

Good luck!

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