Ask Wendy

How Do I Have a Conversation About Sex with My New Guy

Friday, November 1, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I've been out with Michael six times. After the 5th date, I spent the night at his house. We were nude and cuddling. No penetration. The next day I mentioned that I'd never spent a night naked next to man without him pressuring me to have sex.

I can't remember his exact words, but he communicated that he didn’t want to talk about it right then. And I said, "No problem. I won't bring it up again until you do."

Due to his age, I think he’s worried about erectile dysfunction. Any suggestions on how to proceed?

Joan H.

Hey Joan,

Easy-peasy. How you proceed is by doing exactly what you said you’d do: not bring it up until he does. Since he didn’t offer an alternative, he’s likely fine with this plan.

There are a few possible reasons he didn’t want to talk about it right then. My first guess is that it caught him off guard and he needed some time to process how he wanted the two of you to share on this topic. Guess #2 is he doesn’t want to hear about your sexual past—which is totally within his rights. Guess #3, he’s sorting out how to talk about things like sexually transmitted infections (STIs), erectile dysfunction, and/or intimacy in general.

So, we don’t know, do we. There are dozens if not hundreds of reasons he might not want to wade into that conversation yet. In the meantime, you can get to know him. Be affectionate with him. Investigate ways to sexually and sensually please each other, with or without the nudity. Build trust, intimacy, and connection. Experiment and discover together what brings you both pleasure (in and out of the bedroom).

But let him lead in this department by making good on your word.

And if you learn that erectile dysfunction is something he’s struggling with, I have a three-step game plan for you.

  • Internalize “it’s not personal”
  • Expand your repertoire
  • Lean into your sensuality

You can learn all about how to do these three things in my column on erectile dysfunction here.

Good luck with your new beau!

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