Hey Wendy,

I made a major mistake in my marriage, and I need to make repairs with my husband. I don’t think he will see this coming, and I’m terrified. I can’t write the details here, but I hope you can help. Can you give me advice on how to fix it when I screwed up?

Nancy O.

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Hey Nancy,

No details needed, we got this in four steps!

Step #1 — Know What NOT to Do

Before you have this uncomfortable conversation, take a moment to wrap your head all the way around who you need to be to have this go well.

• DON’T expect anything from him other than to listen to you and hear you out.
• DON’T assume he’ll respond in a specific way.
• DON’T look to him to forgive you immediately. (We all have our process.)
• DON’T ask him to make you feel better. (Ouch! I know, right?)

Pick a time to talk that works well for both of you; and when that time comes…

Step #2 — Own Your Own Shit

Tell him you blew it. You messed up. If you’re sorry, say you’re sorry. Don’t give him your side of the story. Don’t justify, offer excuses, tell him why it’s his fault too, or give him a fifteen-year backstory as to why it happened. Just apologize simply and sincerely.

Step #3 — Listen

As in don’t talk. Listen silently to your husband’s experience, how it impacts him, and how it makes him feel. Don’t make excuses, clarify, or justify anything you’ve done. Simply listen with compassion to how it is for him and hear him all the way out. Hear ALL of it. When you think he’s done, ask, “Is there anything else?” and listen some more.

Note: What he might say is “I need time to process this.” Give him time.

Step #4 — Ask Him What He Needs to Forgive You

Do you need to pay penance? What does that look like? What does he need from you in order to forgive you? Is there anything else he needs beyond the apology and forgiveness, to restore your relationship and truly put the sitch behind him? Whatever he says is valid because it seems fair to him. If you don’t think what he’s asking for is reasonable, you don’t have to, but he doesn’t have to forgive you, either. Listen and take the actions you’re willing to take on fulfilling those needs and requests.

Lastly, forgive yourself. We’re all doing the best we can out there and we all make mistakes.

Good luck!

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