Ask Wendy

How Can I Feel Sexy & Initiate Sex with My Boyfriend?

Friday, July 12, 2019
Hey Wendy,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. In the beginning, I didn’t act like myself. I came on strong to seduce him and somehow acted hot. But that wasn’t the normal me, and over time, the seductress/hot girl act fell away. This is not the first time this has happened, this is my MO.

My boyfriend loves and desires me for who I am, so we’re good. But I don’t know how to feel sexy anymore now that I’m comfortable in this relationship and with being myself. Because he knows me so well, I just feel embarrassed to initiate. I feel like I’m playing a role which is not my thing. And I cringe at the thought of having to do a striptease, or dance in front of him to get him interested. Help!

Amy G. — Dallas, TX


Hey Amy,

You are psyching yourself out. Take a deep breath, because I have nothing but good news for you here.

He likes you.

He likes having sex with you.

There’s very little to do here.

What makes a woman sexy is self-confidence, and self-confidence only shows up when you’re being your authentic self. From what you’ve told me, it seems like you are on the right track here.

Now, I know you might be thinking, “self-confidence is what makes a woman sexy? Yeah, right. That’s not actually true.” But, shockingly, it is.

I’ve led hundreds of workshops featuring all-male panels answering this very question, i.e. “What makes a woman sexy?” 99% of the time, self-confidence came out of at least one of the guys’ mouths as the top answer. It took me a minute to get it myself. (And when I say “a minute” I mean witnessing this happen at over 30 panels.) I didn’t think this could possibly be the real answer. Maybe these men were just being nice. But I kept hearing it, over and over and over, until the authenticity of it finally clicked.

Your boyfriend loves you, and he’s likely down to have sex when you want it, striptease or no. He just needs a clue from you.

You don’t need to do a striptease or twerk, or put on a fake sexy voice or anything like that. Start by touching him. His shoulder, his neck—or a little lower, like his knee, or if you’re feeling daring, the inside of his thigh.

Tell him how sexy he looks. “You look so handsome” coupled with a genuine smile can go a long way.

Do you know one thing that sparks a man’s desire? Feeling desired and wanted. (Yeah, they need that, too.)

Make sure you’re not trying to initiate at a time when he’s doing something else (watching the big game, working from home, etc.) or when he’s exhausted and needs to get a full night’s sleep.

So, your boyfriend is covered. Just be your cute, playful self—be affectionate, maybe give him a shoulder rub, or better yet, ask him for one and start appreciating it with some moaning sounds and some “ooooh, yeah, right there”s, and see where things go.

Now let’s talk about you for a minute. We all have our own flavors of sensuality. Most of us aren’t tapped in to this, but there’s definitely more than just one flavor deep within you. I’d like to give you access to finding your own erotic energy, and then you can choose to share it with your boyfriend or not.

If you didn’t have to fake anything for anyone, what’s a flavor of sensual that appeals to you? Here’s a few options:

  • Shy
  • Slutty
  • Fiery
  • Flirty/Tease
  • Hot Mess
  • Playful
  • Mysterious
  • Naughty
  • Sweet
  • Mischievous

Pick a few of these—ones that sound like the real you—and play with them. Maybe even make up a few of your own.

How, you ask?

Remember a time you felt that way and it was natural for you.

Pick a song that fits or represents this part of you. Dance to it in your room alone if you want.

See if you can work feeling this way into your day—even if you’re by yourself.

Put on clothes that are an expression of this flavor, something that makes you feel happy and attractive.

In other words, find ways to climb into this aspect of you and inhabit it in a way that feels right to you, not just to the person you’re partnered with.

When we take the time to climb into our own sensuality, it becomes a natural part of us that’s much easier to access at will. Choosing to own our unique sensuality also has the added benefit of bringing a little more happiness and badassery to your life.

Enjoy!

Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to Wendy@WendySpeaks.com.