Ask Wendy

How Can I Date Him If I Have a Lot of Chemistry with Him?

Friday, February 7, 2020
Hey Wendy,

I've been on a few dates with a man who hits many of my favorite chemistry buttons and he is trying me on in his life out loud big-time. He's running through all these things: "When you meet my dad, you'll need to ask him about___." "When we go on our first vacation to ___, I'll need to take you to this restaurant." Between dates 1 and 2 he said, "You'll need to wear a dress to date 5, for sure." I asked for a gantt chart and a reminder in response.

I'm aware this is all stuff that would scare me off if I wasn't having my chemistry buttons zinging, and it isn’t. Which means I want to join him on the fantasy rocket. How do I remain planted firmly on Mother Earth so I can see who he is and how he is showing up? I keep having to haul myself back and remind myself to "stay all here right now, don't join him in the daydream." Any tips or best practices that work here?

Paisley P.

Hey Paisley,

Do you think if you have heavy chemistry for someone, I’m going to advise you to run? Nope, I’m not. It’s perfectly acceptable to date, and even join him by indulging in the fantasy and excitement of the delicious early days of dating. If you’re not used to frenetic energy, it can be a bit jarring, but short of that, enjoy the thrill. You will never get this new relationship energy back again – relish it!

Here are my five hot dating-with-heavy-chemistry tips just for you:

Own the Rose-Colored Glasses

Know, in your heart of hearts, that because you have heavy chemistry for him, you’ll have stars and hearts in those googly eyes of yours. You’ll be running on slightly less brainpower. And you’re viewing him and all his actions (and inactions) through rose-colored glasses. These glasses won’t come off for about three months. But what a pretty view!

Phone a Friend

Ask a trusted, slightly judgie friend to meet him and give you their feedback. Someone who will likely not be attracted to him is preferred; otherwise, you’ll both end up with the same inaccurate data. Once you have a full report, take the information under advisement, and file it accordingly.

Know Your Dealbreakers

You might be thinking, “Dealbreakers, what are you even talking about Wendy? He’s perfect!” And I’m sure he is. But remember if you can, the dealbreakers you’ve had in the past. You know, the ones you’d seen with other people. Do they match anything you’ve seen from him so far. Have you experienced any date behavior that if it had come from, say, Dwight Schrute or George Costanza would have been a “no pass”?

Review How You Felt on the Date

After each date, ask yourself, “How did I feel about myself tonight?” and “What aspects did he bring out in me?” Were you funny? How was the conversation – easy? Did you feel safe? Heard? Respected? Seen? How are you feeling?

Double-Check, Are You the Real You?

Who are you when you’re on a date with him? Are you yourself? Like you, you? Like the you who shows up when you’re with your bestie? Can you tell a stupid joke? Could he see you without any makeup on or would that freak you out? Are you showing up as the you who can set a boundary? Test yourself, try eating spaghetti with him. Now for the hard part: Can you tell him what you like and what you never want to do – even if it’s his most favorite thing ever?

These are all best practices you can employ for dating with chemistry. What you’re trying to learn here is can you be you, an empowered, strong you and be in partnership as your best self with him.

If it makes you feel any better, I had and have a ton of chemistry with Mr. 121. Seven plus years, the chemistry is still there, and we work great as a team.

I want you to have chemistry. Chemistry is a good thing. And while it can be challenging to not get lost in it, it’s worth having – and ironically, what you have (new relationship energy) will go away. Enjoy the high; it will fade. Enjoy getting to know him. Don’t make any lifelong decisions or commitments for at least nine months. And know every single day your vision will become a little more clear.

Happy dating!

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