My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. He travels a lot for business and we’ve been apart for a week now.
Since he’s been away I have had profound amounts of anxiety. I want to know where he is and what he’s doing 24/7. I think it’s because my boyfriend is the complete package: attractive, funny, intelligent, athletic, and I think I feel like he can do better than me. He frequently says how I’m the best and brags about me to his friends, so I feel like I’m being irrational in not trusting him, but I can’t stop feeling this way. I don’t want to ruin his trip by repeatedly texting him and being nosy, but don’t know how to stop.
Is it reasonable to ask him to check in with me when he’s traveling or even when he’s home and out with his friends?
Jill K – Freemont, CA
I think you need to interrogate your own feelings and excavate all the way to the core on this one. Is this your women’s intuition telling you that you can’t trust him, and to watch out for signs of a cheater, or do you truly believe he’s out of your league and thus, you don’t deserve him? (“Out of your league” is a made-up concept, btw.)
If you’re freaking out because he’s all that in one perfect package, girl, get a grip on yourself! The fastest way to lose a guy is to hold on too tight. Grab a glass of wine, fire up your laptop, take a breath, and watch this video. Take some good, old-fashioned advice from the 80’s. Stop short after the relationship guidance, though; you don’t need fashion tips from these guys.
No, it’s not reasonable to ask him to check in with you all the time, or to connect every time you get hit by a wave of insecurity or feel lonely. It’s reasonable to set a structure that works for both of you for communicating while he’s away, though. Once daily is legit. Decide if it’s by text or by phone, and who’s going to do the initiating. See if he needs anything to make this work for him. Ask the question, “If you had it all your way, how often would we talk when you’re away, and what would that look like?” We know that, if you had it all your way, you two would be in constant communication, but what about him? I have a feeling that once a day is plenty—for both of you.
Can you have him check in with you when he goes out at night with his friends? Absolutely not! Let him be present with his people instead of on a leash. Unless you’re looking for his friends to call you the “old ball and chain,” let him be. Trying to control or connect with him all the time will not bring you the safety you’re looking for in a solid relationship. Trust him to respect and honor whatever commitments you two have together because you say he’s proven he’s trustworthy.