Ask Wendy

How Do I Get Past Being Ghosted?

Friday, October 28, 2016
my boyfriend's health problems
Hey Wendy,

Okay, I’m trying to get past a guy who "ghosts" me...again and again. How do you get past your past and really find Mr. Right?

Danielle K. — San Francisco, CA

Hey Danielle,

It’s much quicker to move past (and away from) someone who’s behind you rather than right in front of you.

You aren’t stuck with that ghost, even if he’s intermittently haunting you. You move past your past by leaving it exactly where it is and skating two long strides forward. Pay attention to your present, and daydream about your future ~ without him in it.

It’s tempting to indulge in daydreams of the things that you like about him, those feelings of delight and desire that are both familiar and exciting. But when the sensations are an entangled mess of pleasure, pain, and deep-rooted twinges of abandonment and unworthiness, the sweetness turns bitter.

So don’t feed the ghost. Instead, try these two experiments:

  • Do you have a memory of an incident that totally grosses you out? Good. Decide that every time you think of him, you’re also going to conjure up that puke-worthy memory. The two are now intertwined (even though he didn’t likely have anything to do with this other memory). If you pick something repulsive enough, it may override your habit to indulge.
  • Reconnect to what you love in your life, and conclude that you’re not going to give any more of your precious time, energy, effort or thought to a dude who thinks that fading away and resurfacing when it feels good for him are acceptable moves. [Yuck!]

And in taking these two steps forward, I highly recommend you choose to only spend time with people who value, respect and treat you the way you wish to be treated.

Happy dating!

 

 

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