Ask Wendy

The 2-Step Approach to Ditching the Ghost

Reposted: Friday, October 16, 2020
my boyfriend's health problems
Hey Wendy,

Okay, I'm trying to get past a guy who "ghosts" me…again and again. How do I get past my past and find my guy?

Danielle K.

Hey Danielle,

It’s much quicker to move past (and away from) someone who’s behind you rather than right in front of you.

You aren’t stuck with that ghost, even if he’s intermittently haunting you.

How you move past your past is by leaving it exactly where it is while you take two giant steps forward.

Start by paying attention to your present, then daydream about your future — without the vanishing one in it.

Don’t Feed the Ghost.

It’s tempting to indulge in thoughts of what you like about him, those feelings of delight and desire that are both familiar and exciting. But when the sensations are an entangled mess of pleasure, pain, and deep-rooted twinges of abandonment and unworthiness, the sweetness turns bitter.

Instead, in the spirit of moving you forward, try each of these two experiments:

Braid the Good with the Bad

Do you have a memory of an incident in your life that totally grosses you out? Good. Decide that every time you think of him, you’re also going to conjure up that puke-worthy memory. The two are now intertwined (even though he didn’t have anything to do with that memory). If you pick something repulsive enough, it may override your habit to indulge.

Focus on Life’s Pleasures

Reconnect to what you love in your life, and conclude that you’re not going to give any more of your precious time, energy, effort, or thought to a dude who thinks that fading away and resurfacing when it feels good for him are acceptable moves. [Yuck!]

Do these two things and voila! Two steps forward.

And going forward, choose to only spend time with people who value, respect, and treat you the way you wish to be treated.

Happy dating!

. . . .

Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.

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