I am three months into a new relationship and my boyfriend has the highest sex drive of anyone I have ever dated. We have sex six days per week, and out of those six days there are at least 2 days where we have sex more than once in the day. The one night out of the week when we don't have sex he wakes up the next morning frustrated with me. I feel like on those days I have failed him.
I don't know what to do. I feel like we’re having a ridiculous amount of sex, but it’s still not enough for him. I want to address it, but I don't know how. I would like to not feel inadequate and like I’m failing him.
Wendy F. — Seattle, WA
Wow. That’s a tough spot. Addressing it won’t be the most comfortable conversation you’ve ever had, but I recommend you spell it out directly all the same. Say, “Love, it seems like our sex drives are incompatible. Based on our history, you need sex every day, while I would like to have sex (your number here) times per week. This isn’t going to work for us for much longer. I feel put upon to have that much sex, and when we don’t, I feel your frustration, which in turn makes me feel like I’m failing you—that doesn’t work for me. Can we talk about this?” Then see what he says next.
It may be true: your sex drives may be too far apart for this to work out. Love—or in this case, wanting to be sexually compatible—is not all you need. You need to actually be sexually compatible. He needs enough sex to meet his drive, and you need to not be asked for so much sex that you end up feeling off-balance, put upon, or used. There may not be a happy middle ground here.
No one can count on a 100% libido match with their partner; plus, we all ebb and flow over the years. But each of us needs to consider this in the dating phase of a new relationship to examine if we’ll be a good fit for each other. This is what the dating process is all about—do we line up in all the right places? Or not?