Ask Wendy

Dating A Guy With A Girlfriend?

Reprinted from January 20, 2016
Hey Wendy,

I met a guy and we are falling in love/lust. He lives with his girlfriend and I would normally never do this. But we have crazy chemistry and we are attracted to each other physically, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.

Even if he breaks up with her (which he doesn't want to do) this can never end well, correct?

We have only seen each other three times, including when we met. I don't know what to do. He is amazing. Super hot, intellectual, meditates, is sporty, thoughtful, artistic, and all kinds of awesome. And he makes me feel cherished and safe. Help!

Kristine S. - Dallas, TX

Hey Kristine,

I’m missing important details from your question here. Is this new guy in a monogamous relationship and is cheating on his girlfriend, or are they in an open relationship? Because if they’re committed to a non-monogamous relationship, that may leave plenty of room for you, and it could end quite well. Also helpful to know would be this: Are you okay with him having a girlfriend, or are you looking for monogamy yourself?
I’m less interested in the form any one relationship takes. I focus on the substance—does the relationship have mutual respect, integrity, understanding, and love, for example? Does it suit the desires and needs of everyone involved? Feeling cherished and safe is an amazing and rare feeling for sure. Does his girlfriend feel cherished and safe, too?

If he’s sure that he doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend and he truly wants to have a deep, connected relationship with you, I wish the three of you luck in working that out; over the last few years, I’ve seen many relationships do this beautifully. If, however, he’s in a monogamous relationship with his GF and you’re his secret other woman, you two may need to have a very different conversation about what everyone in this lopsided triangle really wants, needs, and deserves.
Happy dating!

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