Ask Wendy

How Can I Accept My Polyamorous Girlfriend?

Friday, June 9, 2017
How Can I Accept My Polyamorous Girlfriend?
Hey Wendy,

The love of my life is a polyamorous woman. I reluctantly accept her lifestyle with the understanding that she will involve me in her encounters somehow (watching, videos, audio, etc.)

The first attempt at this was with a former FWB. She forgot to record anything because things happened too fast. It took everything I had to be ok with this situation. The one thing I asked for she ignored.

When I confront her she starts sobbing saying she's sorry. I don't know what to do.

David B. — Portland, OR

Hey David,

It doesn’t sound like you’re all that cool with her being poly. And you don’t have to be cool with it—just don’t say you are when you’re not. I have some questions for you:

Question 1: How do you think it feels for your partner to be “reluctantly accepted” as she is in your relationship? Probably not that amazing, I’m guessing.

Question 2: Do you know if her FWB and/or other lovers are okay with your agreement? It would freak me out if I were being filmed or photographed for someone else’s consumption if I hadn’t 100% agreed to it beforehand. Are you certain they’re okay with being recorded, watched, etc.?

Question 3: Does she have to be the one in the wrong here? Do you think she meant to “forget” because she’s a bad person who’s trying to get away with something, or because she simply, actually forgot or couldn’t arrange things in time?

I’ve got to be honest with you: This scenario doesn’t sound like two people who are in a happy, healthy partnership with each other. You’re sounding like someone who wants their partner to feel guilty because she’s poly, and because polyamory isn’t something you’re comfortable with. Polyamory simply means having more than one consenting romantic/sexual relationship—so consent to her having her relationships. Or don’t. But the passive-aggressive thing that is going on here isn’t cool for anyone.

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