Ask Wendy

My Boyfriend Looks at Other Women, Help!

Friday, March 30, 2018
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man flirting with waitress in a restaurant
Hey Wendy,

I've been dating a guy for a couple months. He tells me he loves me and wants a future with me. I enjoy him, and we’ve shared some wonderful times. But I've noticed some actions that concern me:

1. When an attractive woman (waitress or patron) is near us in a restaurant, he'll attempt to make eye contact with her and strike up a conversation with her. He will continue to keep a furtive eye on her through the meal while he sits and talks with me.

2. He scans a room looking at other women wherever we go. Once, he turned around to check out a woman and almost tripped down some steps.

3. He was showing me some pics of us on his phone and flipped through a number of photos of women, some almost in the nude, and explained that these were photos of models he subscribed to on social media.

4. He admits he is a highly sexual person and has been so since he was a very tender age.

5. He has had multiple one-night-stand encounters and a number of relationships. I have a feeling he has had more than he has admitted to me.

6, In his most recent relationship, while he was still with her, he started looking to date other women before he officially ended that relationship. To me, I consider that cheating.

This is quite disturbing to me and it's a huge discrepancy that I have a hard time reconciling. I told him if there is no fidelity in the relationship, then it's not something I want. He asked me to trust him, that he is capable of change and fidelity, but I'm not feeling confident about that based on these items I've discovered. Should I trust him?

Ann T. – Dubuque, IA

Hey Ann,

Should you trust him? Absolutely! You should trust him for what he has a track record for. Based on that track record, you can 100% count on him to:

  1. Completely disrespect and disregard you in restaurants as he ogles and strikes up conversations with random women.
  2. Make you feel like you’re never the most beautiful woman in the room since he’s constantly scanning for her.
  3. Look for another relationship while he’s in one with you.

See, we humans have this whole trust thing backward. Because we care for someone, we cross our fingers and hope we can trust them for everything that matters to us, including not breaking our hearts. Really, we should only be trusting and counting on people for things they’re actually good for—things they’re known to do and do repeatedly.

I would trust this guy to change no more than I would trust myself to stop eating chocolate. Sure, I might cut back, but I ain’t never gonna give it up 100%. And neither is he.

Having a high sex drive is about as changeable as having blue eyes. Having a strong preference for and history of multiple partners, one night stands, and just a lot of sex, in general, doesn’t make him unsuitable for partnership. What does, however, is the lack of self-control, self-awareness, and consideration for you.

Setting his past aside, the most offensive thing on this list you’ve given me is he’s shown you that he’s not going to make you a priority. It’s his job to flirt with you on your date, not with other women. Knucklehead. A high sex drive and a love for beautiful women or no, flirting in front of you is unacceptable. Unless that kind of behavior turns you on, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the kind of relationship you two have negotiated.

Bottom line: If you’re looking for fidelity, you should run from this guy, not walk.

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