Ask Wendy

BDSM Advice

Friday, February 10, 2017
Hey Wendy, 

I don’t know if you can help me here, but I need some advice with my Dominant/Submissive (dom/sub) relationship.

My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. From the beginning, I've been the dom and she has been my sub. Recently we had a heart to heart where she expressed she’s no longer happy being the sub, and instead wants to switch our relationship around and flip the power dynamics so she’s the dom and I’m the sub.

Could this transition work? I’m rather apprehensive, to say the least. Being dominant is my mindset, so I’m not sure if I can make that switch, but after thinking about it, I’ve noticed her already making the switch over the last month or so in how she interacts with me.

I know she has identified as bisexual and as a switch in the past, and has been on both sides of the ball in different relationships, so maybe this is her way of expressing I’m not a good enough dominant for her, or maybe she’s bored with me and needs something new.

Pat E. — Seattle, WA

Hey Pat,

I’m sorry you’re getting the old switcheroo on this one. I don’t know if she’s bored with you or whether she thinks you’re a bad dom, but she certainly didn’t say either of those things. I’d ask for some clarification and reassurance if I were in your boots. While you’re at it, talk it through with her and see how you might change your relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Some people switch. For others, switching is a hard limit. Sounds like she switches with ease, but that switching might be a hard limit for you.

Before we go any further, I’m going to assume that because you’re both kinky and your partner is bisexual that you’re at least open to exploring some alternative options that go beyond monogamy. If this is true, my suggestion is to science-experiment it out. See if you’d be happy and comfortable being a sub, but don’t try this out with your girlfriend first. You don’t yet know if whipping up this new concoction will end up blowing up the lab. If it does, you don’t want that mess with your girl on top of the complications of her needing a new relationship model from you.

Offer up a willingness to give being a sub a try. From there, you can either hire a professional dom to work with you, or you could put an ad out on Fet Life pleading your case and see who picks up what you’re laying down.

If you try an ad, meet up with the stranger at a café first so you two can hang out and see if you like each other before meeting up for play. Once you try it, you just might find that you’re a switch after all. And if it turns out you hate subbing, there’s still a silver lining here: A bottoming experience can make you an even better dom. Most good doms I know have experienced sub play, which has helped them to understand the effects of their range of sensation and play as doms.

Finally, if it turns out you’re a dom through and through, there’s one more thing you can try. Ask your girlfriend if she’s willing to middle. That’s where she’s your sub, topping some other sub (like another woman) from your direction. That may satisfy her need to top, to have a new experience, and to get with a pretty lady. If you can get down with this idea, then that’s a deal where everyone wins.

Happy experimenting!

 

 

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