Bad Sex: Can it Become Good?

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Hey Wendy,

I am 75, met a nice man that has all the qualities I like, and then we had sex, and it was a huge letdown. No foreplay, no buildup. He basically just mounted me. Yes, he was probably nervous and anxious, but when I addressed this with him, he was clueless to what I was talking about. He didn’t own it at all. If he said one more time “this has never happened to me before” I was going to lose it. That was a deal-breaker for me. Am I being too picky at my age? I have no interest in teaching an older man how to make love.

Jana O.


Hey Jana,

You get to keep all of your deal-breakers at any age.

You don’t need to settle at any age.

One question you might ask yourself is, “Would I rather be with this guy or would I rather be alone?”

That question kept me single for a solid decade — and I don’t regret it.

There’s nothing wrong with single. Especially when the alternatives don’t measure up (yet).

Now, that said, should you have given him another chance?

I can’t answer that. Firstly, because I’m not you, I don’t know him and what you two had together. I also can’t predict the outcome of your shared sex life. Could he get better? Maybe. Might it stay exactly the same? Maybe. Was that the best he has to offer? Maybe.

It’s a tough call. Personally, I’ve gone both ways and I stand by both choices. I once dated a very sweet guy whom I turned down for future dates after we’d had sex the first time because we were that incompatible. On the other hand, I also had a lover whom I didn’t click with the first few times — okay, to be honest, it took a couple of months — but without teaching him anything, he became one of the very best lovers I’ve had. He was inspired, I guess. He was also a great guy whom I loved spending time with, so that worked out in our favor.

Jana, you’re going to have to search your heart, and more importantly, listen to your gut on this one. If you choose “goodbye,” then don’t let your pesky inner critic tell you that you should have handled it differently. We’re all doing the best we can out there, and sometimes two people are just not a good fit.

Good luck out there!

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