Ask Wendy

Am I Too Fat to Date?

Friday, November 4, 2016
Hey Wendy,

I am not at my ideal weight. I don’t feel sexy, so I don't date or pick up on cues from men.

Any tips?

Anna N. - New York, NY

Hey Anna,

“Look, with my luck, I will starve myself, work out, reach my ideal weight, and then the next day get hit by a bus.”

Do you want to know who said that? Drew Barrymore.

I’ve never met a woman who thought she’d reached her “perfect” weight and shape. Ever. The misstep here is avoiding engaging with guys because you believe your sexiness is tied to the number sewn into the back of your sweater.

We’ve had it pummeled into us that there’s only one kind of sexy: skinny, voluptuous breasts n’ booty, and feathery white wings shooting off your shoulder blades as you strut down the runway in slinky lingerie. Oh sure, we’re willing to make the occasional exception for, say, Christina Hendricks. Our society has lost its ability to distinguish reality from fantasy, and there’s very little room for anything other than that one unattainable-to-the-masses shape.

Newsflash: most men don’t buy into this garbage. They know what sexy is, and it’s not the airbrushing on the page of a magazine—it’s the living, breathing, moving, REAL body you have!

Every day, they’re drinking up your beautiful shape. (Yes, I’m talking to you.) You don’t notice because 1) you don’t believe it, and 2) they’re doing it in stealth mode; they don’t want you to think they’re creepy. But boy, do they sure wish you could see your beauty through their eyes. Their real view of you is so much more delicious and empowering than your inner critic’s.

My advice?

  • Date now. Don’t wait. You might think that your perfect man will only be attracted to you when you’re at your ideal weight, but that’s a trap.
  • Choose movement that makes you happy. What have you always wanted to try? Ballet class? Salsa? Biking? Get creative. I play on stripper poles and walk the hills of San Francisco; no utilitarian gym for me.
  • Pick your food by asking yourself a different question. We’re used to asking ourselves, “What do I want?” Instead, ask yourself, “After my meal is done, what will I be glad I ate?”
  • See your body the way I guarantee you tons of men see your body (i.e. “Dang.”)
  • Love your body, right this second, right now. Appreciate the formidable presence that has gotten you where you are today. Have gratitude for all your body has done for you.
  • Try swaying your hips when you walk.
  • Nurture yourself by putting on lotion in front of a full-length mirror after your shower, then wear something you think is pretty on you.
  • Look around to see who’s checking you out.

Embrace your beautiful body, because it’s where you live.




Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to [email protected].