Ask Wendy

How Do I Stop My Husband from Yelling?

Friday, February 15, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I need advice on how to handle a problem I’m having with my husband. He has this issue with yelling. He pops off about something, then acts like it never happened. And for him, I'm sure it didn't. But I don't like being yelled at, and I've expressed that.

A few years ago, he was put on an antidepressant and that really helped him. He began having normal reactions to things! I became less anxious because he stopped raising his voice all the time. It all worked.

Recently, he decided to cut his pills in half so he could go off of them. He didn't consult with his doctor, and I’ve been clear that I think this is a bad idea.

Now he's back to raising his voice and he's embarrassed me a couple of times. Like he yelled at me so loud on the phone that my co-workers overheard. I don’t know what to do, help!

Tara E. – Miami, Florida

Hey Tara,

Yikes! That sounds unpleasant. I’m sorry you’re faced with dealing with this, but you need to confront it swiftly and head-on.

Lucky for you, your husband has a track record of good medicine(s) that work – evidence that this very real problem is 100% solvable. (more…)

How to Date a Short Guy

Friday, February 8, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I am dating a man I met online. He stated he was 5'8". I am 5'4" but have always preferred men 5'10" or taller. Once we met in person, I could tell he was more like 5'6" since we were eye-to-eye with my flat shoes on.

I feel awkward with our height being so close. I was raised to "look up" to my man and all my friends and family are with taller men. I went on more dates with him because I thought it was shallow to discount all of his good qualities just because of his height. He is charming, funny, intelligent, we have similar values, can talk for hours and we have amazing sexual chemistry.

My friends, family and even the professionals say to get over it and height means nothing but they are not married to or dating a short man, including you. I used to say the same thing until now when I am walking in those shoes. What advice can you give women in my situation to get over this stigma so we don't sabotage a good thing because of a few inches?

Jean T. - Portland, Oregon

Hey Jean,

Did you know science shows that on average women prefer their mate to be at least four inches taller, so we feel safe? Yup. This comes from our instinctive, animalistic reflexes, and has nothing to do with the actual modern-day quality of our lives. Hanging out with a person who’s 5’10” won’t keep you any more safe than roaming around with someone who’s 5’6”.

Sometimes our instincts save our lives, other times they give us seriously antiquated and archaic data. It’s a crapshoot. (more…)

My Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex with Me

Friday, February 1, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I’ve been with my boyfriend seven months now. For the last two months, he's been withholding sex from me.

It started when we were fooling around and he turned and said, "You're not getting any." I couldn’t figure it out. Why would he do sexual things with me and then say that? I wouldn’t mind not having sex if he didn't feel like it but that doesn’t seem to be the case since he asks me for blowjobs all the time.

We haven’t had penetrative sex in nearly two months, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm bad in bed. Maybe I’m too much work. Maybe he's punishing me for leaving for a weekend trip a couple of months ago. Maybe he’s having sex with someone else.

When I try talking to him about it, he gets angry. The only answer I’ve gotten was that it’s the same as when I’m not in the mood for sex. I can't talk about this with him because he’s sensitive and moody about it. Can you tell me a way to fix this without talking to him because he doesn't want to talk about it?

Margie T. – Los Angeles, California

Hey Margie,

Yep, I totally have a fix for you. And don’t worry, you won’t have to talk to him about this. (more…)

How Long Should I Wait to Hook Up After an LTR?

Friday, January 25, 2019
I just got out of an eight-year relationship and I want to be respectful to my ex. How long should I wait before I can start having casual hookups?

Caren C. – Los Angeles, California

Hey Caren,

Given that it’s been more than a second since you emailed me this question, I’d say you can start tapping whomever you’d like right now (consensually, of course).

Want to make extra sure you’re showing respect to your ex? Okay! Here’s a few (more…)

My Boyfriend Won’t Set Boundaries with a Female Friend – Help!

Friday, January 18, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I’ve been in a happy relationship for almost seven months now, and it’s pretty serious. We’re both in our late forties, have solid careers, and tidy endings to our first marriages. My guy has been divorced now for over ten years, and his ex-wife is lovely.

Here’s the problem: Several years ago, my boyfriend met a woman who turned into a friend who trains for Marathons with him. She’s about 10 years older than he is, says she’s in love with him, and has been the #1 reason for every breakup he’s had since she’s known him. He says they’re platonic, and he’s told her that nothing would ever happen between them because he’s not attracted to her.

She acts like a jealous girlfriend (calling over and over until he picks up, berating him, etc.) and he lets her do it. He’ll say, “I better pick up or she’ll just keep calling.” He doesn’t have any boundaries with her. He’ll even talk to her at really inappropriate times (like when we’re being intimate).

A marathon is coming up and they’re in training now. It’s been awkward since they are used to sharing a hotel room. He asked me if I was okay with it, and I’m not. He told her, “I can’t share a hotel room with you because Sarah has an issue with it.” He’s willing to put in boundaries when I’m to blame. And he said he would break off the friendship with her if I need him to, but I don’t want to be the cause of a friendship ending, but I don’t like what’s happening either. Help!

Sarah D., San Jose, California

Hey Sarah,

I take issue with this woman being the reason every one of your guy’s previous relationships ended. It’s not her who’s the problem—it’s your guy.

Let me help you out here. Instead of responding to you, I’m going to talk to your guy for a second. Please print this column out and hand it over to him. Okay? (more…)

I found my boyfriend’s sex tape

Friday, January 11, 2019
Hey Wendy,

I was scrolling through my boyfriend’s Mac and I found a large video file in his Photos. I opened it and saw that it was a sex tape starring him and his ex. I didn’t watch all of it, but I saw enough to freak me out.

I asked a friend for advice and she said I should confront him about it. I did, and I tried to be calm about it at first. He was shocked. He said he didn’t know it was there, and forgot it even existed. He deleted it immediately.

Should I be angry? It’s not like he is cheating on me. And he has every right to keep photos and videos of his past relationships. But I feel betrayed. He was incredibly apologetic about it, but deep down, it still doesn’t satisfy me. I’m not sure what I need, but I’m just really angry. And it makes me even angrier to know that my feelings are probably unjustified.

Terry R. - San Jose, California

Hey Terry,

Youfeel betrayed? Let me see if I got this right…

You broke his trust and violated his privacy by snooping through his computer. You found a sexy video—something he had every right to both make and have and that you had no business seeing—watched it, and somehow now you feel betrayed and he’s the one in trouble.

Sigh.

Just like you feared, your anger and frustration over this are unjustified. (more…)

How Do I Deal with My New Boyfriend’s Children?

Friday, December 21, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I have been in an amazing, satisfying relationship for the last 2 months with a widower. The connection is incredible, high level of maturity, strong, honest communication about needs, deal-breakers and sexual desire and negotiating deals. We are both over impressing each other, pleasing each other and more onto being ourselves and showing up as we are. Huge credit to your online courses in allowing me to be in such a blissful partnership.

We haven’t made our relationship known to anyone yet due to his situation. His wife was killed almost a year ago and his children are still grieving. He told me about this at the start.

He wants to introduce me to his family and friends; and we talked about waiting for the right moment. My question for you is how do I deal with his children once he breaks the news? His daughter (30) is married, and his son (27) is engaged. Any wise tips/ thoughts as I don't think this is going to be easy on them.

We are both very happy together and I want to be able to support him when the time comes. Thank you for all your guidance.

CM from Dubai

Hey CM,

Congratulations on finding a good match for you and creating a happy relationship! I’m grateful my courses helped.

I understand and appreciate your natural desire to step in and help with this huge adjustment for his family. I’d want to do the exact same thing. Here’s the rub, though—you can’t. (more…)

How Do I Handle Holiday Drama with My Husband & Family

Friday, December 14, 2018
Hey Wendy,

My husband and my father don’t get along, and after their last argument at Thanksgiving, my husband doesn’t want to go back to my family’s house for Christmas. How do I handle this?

Cherry T. Des Moines, IA

Hey Cherry,

You have a ton of options here. Want to know what is not in my plans-for-a-happy-holidays list of options for you? Suck it up and show up. And this is unfortunately exactly what many of us do all over the world this time of year.

“Suck it up” is terrible advice. (more…)

What’s the Story About Chemistry, Again?

Friday, December 7, 2018
Hey Wendy,

After reading your book, I've been inspired to 'up' my dating game. I've been going on dates with a lot of guys (go me!) and have felt all kinds of feelings for the various men I've dated: from repulsion to strong chemistry, to nothing. I understand that chemistry can be dangerous and lead you up the garden path (since you are blinded by those hormones going crazy) but you at least know there is an underlying attraction of some kind there. I wouldn't bother exploring something where I felt repulsed by a guy so that one is easy—no second date for him. What I'm worried about is whether I'm writing off all these guys in the middle (the middle being the guys I date that I don't really feel anything for: you know, we have a nice enough night but that's it).

I dated one of these guys recently. When I met him in real life, I didn't feel remotely physically attracted to him, however, I also wasn't repulsed by him. He was a lovely guy and I felt we shared the same values (I guess you could say he was in my 'tribe') so I wanted to explore things with him a little bit. But by the time it got to the third date and I felt myself hastily saying goodbye at the end of the date so that he wouldn't launch in for a kiss, I figured that wasn't a good sign and ended it afterward. They say that attraction can grow but is the dates enough to see whether that changes, or am I writing someone off too quickly?

I'm not expecting that the guy be exceptionally handsome, but I want to feel some level of physical attraction right from the beginning. Am I asking too much? I've been on a lot of dates and I'm starting to feel a bit deflated that I'll never meet someone that I'm physically attracted to that also ticks the other important boxes for me.

I would really love to know your thoughts on when to give a guy another date. I know you say listen to your gut, but unless there are some really big red flags, my gut is usually pretty quiet in the very early stages...I need some Wendy guidance! I would also really love to know how you felt about Dave, your #121 first date, on the first few dates.

Thank you,

Annie D., Australia

Hey Annie,

Thank you for reading my book! As you know, I hate rules, but in this case, I’ll make an exception. I recommend you give a guy at least three dates to see if he has that slim chance of growing on you. But this doesn’t apply to every guy who says, “Let’s do this again.” This offering is only for the ones you really like and deeply respect—as in the ones you wish you were attracted to. I mean you gotta really, really, really like him. (more…)

Why Can’t I Get Past Date #1?

Friday, November 23, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I’m now 72 years old but people think I’m 60. I’m young at heart, and I exercise regularly. I have quite a few men contacting me, but I don’t seem to get past the first date. We have lively, fun conversations, and sometimes we’re even together for three hours. What’s my problem?

Louise C. – Saratoga, California

Hey Louise,

I wish I could be there with you to see what’s going on and give you the why!  Why, why, why aren’t you making it past the first date? Since you can’t put me in your pocket and take me with you, I’ll start by asking you three questions: (more…)

How Do I Know if We’re Compatible?

Friday, November 16, 2018
Hey Wendy,

I’ve recently started dating a guy and he seems great. However, he seems to be a big drinker. I love a glass of wine and socializing but I’m not a massive drinker—and I also like to watch my weight.

We’ve been on eating and drinking dates so far, though I did arrange one game of putt-putt.

His life seems to revolve around going to the pub. I’m worried he’ll just want to go out drinking with me all the time, which I’m not keen on. Does this mean we’re not compatible? Maybe it’s what many single guys do?

Katy T – London, England

Hey Katy,

I’m happy you’re seeing someone you like, that’s fantastic! Now it’s time for you to add in the next element to your dating process. Most of us think of dating as fun adventures going out on dates; that is a huge part of dating, but we shouldn’t’ skip the important step of actually exploring compatibility while having these adventures. Compatibility goes far beyond things like he’s cute, fun, and good in bed (although those things are not to be dismissed). Will your day-to-day lives and everything they contain mix, or will they separate like oil and vinegar?

(more…)

How Do I Meet Mr. Right as a Single Mom?

Hey Wendy,

How does one deal with being a single mom and dating/looking for your soulmate? I ask because I am a single mom and my most recent ex wanted me to put him before my kids. It was a very toxic relationship since the start and lasted 4 on/off years! He was an insecure, anxious, needy, controlling, macho man. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

Nohemi B – Sacramento, CA

 

Hey Nohemi,

In answering your question, I’m going to take a moment and ask everyone to get on board with me here—men, women, and gender-nonconforming alike, listen up. I have a very important public service announcement for you. Ready? (more…)

Dating While Rich & Successful: A Steve Jobs or A Stedman?

Hey Wendy,

I’m a doctor who owns her own practice. I also own twelve houses. I’m financially very successful. I’m fortunate with a net worth over ten million dollars. Is it realistic to ask for someone with equal net worth or education?

Rita L., Los Angeles, California

 

Hi Rita,

Congratulations on using your talents and education to make a successful life for yourself. Big kudos! I’m guessing you’ve already learned that success and status bring with them some unexpected complications. There’s that niggling question:

“Will they love me for who I am, or do they just want my _____?” You can fill in the blank with money, lifestyle, or access to opportunities—sometimes all three.

This shit is real. You can’t get around it, and it’s why you (and others with wealth and/or status) naturally want to partner with those in similar situations.

(more…)

Why Are Online Daters Not Efforting?

Today we’ll hear from Kristen & Annie

Hey Wendy,

I’ve noticed an increase in men whom I’ve connected with online/dating app who completely drop off when I suggest we go from texting to a phone call, often with the intention to see about meeting up for the first time in person. I’m an introvert, and not a huge fan of chatting on the phone, but it seems like a very reasonable way to get to know someone before setting up a date. Part of me thinks well, if they can’t participate in one phone call then just move on; however, since this is happening often, it’s making me pause and question my strategy. Where are the men who have the basic social skills to go from online to in person with one phone call in between? I mean WTF?!

Kristen in Davis, CA

And…

Hey Wendy,

In Australia, Tinder is by far the best platform to meet men. Match.com and Cupid.com aren’t popular here. Most men have a fairly short bio (if at all), and due to the nature of the app, once you get a match, messages are generally sent as short texts rather than wordy emails. I find myself chatting to a lot of men (most of whom initiate the conversation with me) that just do not seem to know how to ask questions! In my messages, I will reveal a little something about myself and then ask a question to keep the conversation going. I try to keep the chat fun and interesting.

I’m getting frustrated and I presume that this is a representation of his real-life character. I mean, if he simply replies with a statement and no question in each message, it seems like he’s either very self-focused or clueless about how to talk to people, right?! After speaking to quite a few single women, this question-less conversation thing seems to be a relatively common problem. A different, but equally frustrating subset of men are the ones who use generic emails for everyone and don’t pull out anything personal. Am I being too judgy?

Annie, Melbourne, Australia.

Hey Kristen and Annie!

Thank you for giving voice to an issue that so many women around the world experience. Yeah, dating is frustrating—I hear you! There are a ton of guys who have zero game; daters who are clueless about how to succeed by paying just the slightest bit of attention to what makes up basic conversation; there are people who have no intention of ever meeting you face to face and are just reaching out because they’re lonely; and then there are the bots (i.e. not even real humans!) writing you text messages using basic emails and scripts that pull keywords—sorry about that.

And yet, dating sites/apps are still your best source for gaining access to real, live, amazing people you do want to date and who you don’t have access to in your everyday world.

(more…)

Why Am I Getting Ghosted After Sex?

Hey Wendy,

I am so glad to hear you say that there is no rule to whether you have sex or not on a first date. I have not gone that far on a first date yet but I tend to do other sexual things. I do let them lead and it is always a mutual decision. Afterward, the switch goes off in them and I get ghosted. I don’t know where the disconnect happens. I’m afraid I come on too strong because I ask where they think this might go and I am afraid that freaks them out. What are your suggestions to not get ghosted on the first date after they seem completely into you?

Nichoal E – Chicago, IL

 

Hey Nichoal,

I know a woman who, on her first date with a guy, had sex with him in a moving vehicle that neither one of them were driving. Those two crazy kids have been happily married for the past 20+ years, and they’re one of my favorite couples. I’ve talked to people who had sex on the first date with their future spouse in a bathroom bar, in a sex dungeon, and in a strip club (she was at a bachelorette party—she took him home and gave him a private lap dance for free). Now, I’m not saying that these are fool-proof, awesome strategies to adopt or the path to finding lasting, happy love. What I am saying is it happens.

(more…)