Ask Wendy

Do You Want the Baby or the Bathwater?

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young attractive hispanic couple on floor, pregnant woman sitting together handsome husband and flying stork bringing baby in pregnancy and family growth concept

Friday, February 17, 2017

Wendy, 

My girlfriend and I have been together five years. We’ve talked about what we would name kids, but two weeks ago I asked her about our future and what she wants for her life in the next decade or so.

We talked about everything from finances and careers, to moving out of our area or not. Nothing surprised me except the important thing. She told me she doesn’t want to have kids.

She said she just never pictured it in her life. She feels the physical and financial responsibilities are a lot and she also doesn’t want to be pregnant or give birth.

I love her and I can’t picture a future without her. But I always expected and want to be a dad and take care of a family. There’s no middle ground here and I don’t know what to do.

So an acquaintance of mine from Rome never wanted children, but her husband did. She said, “I’ll do it for you one time, but if I do, this child is yours; I’m not looking after it.” He assumed she’d warm up to the idea once she was pregnant. She didn’t. She meant every word she said, and she made no attempts to hide this from their child.

Their child is now in college, and I can’t fathom how much they must shell out each week for therapy. He resents the hell out of his mother, that I know. He never felt wanted. Basically, it’s a mess.

Children are not something to compromise on. It’s not an issue you want her to come around to if she’s felt this way her whole life. You can’t try it out, run a science experiment on it, or wing it. You need to believe her and accept her wishes. This may mean you break up because you want to be a dad more than you want to be her husband, and that’s understandable. We all have the right to want what we want. It’s a little annoying that she let you make up baby names without mentioning her lack of desire for kids to you, but you have to be willing to throw the baby out with this particular bathwater.

If you stay, please find a way to make peace with not being a father; otherwise you’ll resent her for what she didn’t feel comfortable providing.

 

 

Wendy, 

I am starting to get the feeling I will be the rebound for the man I am dating right now. Do I stay or go?

Dear rebound girl,

I’m sorry! And good job catching this early instead of trying to convince yourself otherwise. We’re usually not eyes-wide-open about this stuff.

So…should you stay or should you go? This question is not for me—it’s for you. You know you can move on to what’s next if need be; that’s a given. But can you stay and have something mutually beneficial and life enriching with him? Can you afford to take the hit to your heart, give up the time on your calendar, and put your energy into him instead of someone else who really wants to stick around?A few of my 121 first dates were rebounding so I’ve had the experience of both walking and staying, and I didn’t regret either, but each were intentional decisions.

If you stay, you might use the opportunity to practice being yourself. Dial your self-expression up to one hundred percent. Practice asking for things you need, want, and desire even if you think he won’t give them to you. Being on the receiving end of a rebound can be a prime opportunity to sharpen these skills, because when we’re dating someone we’re hoping to “catch” for a stable relationship, we often don’t ask for everything we most desire for fear of scaring them away. What have you got to lose?

If you stay, don’t be your own best con artist by employing magical thinking that this relationship is going to lead somewhere long-term if you just hang out long enough being the perfect right-now girlfriend. It has nothing to do with how hard you try, and everything to do with where his head’s at.

If you stay, be willing for it to end—possibly before you are ready for him to go.

And if you stay, don’t beat yourself up if when he leaves you, he marries the next one who comes along. That’s not even remotely on you—that’s the nature of the rebound. The committed relationship usually follows the rebound; it’s kind of a law of nature.

Think of it this way: When you met him, he was likely in a dark place. You came along and brought sunlight, good conversation, probably really great blowjobs, and one other very special ingredient: you brought him hope. You, my love, were the ladder that dropped down into that deep hole he was in so that he could rejoin the world. He used the ladder (you) to climb out of the well. Almost every time a guy emerges from the well, it doesn’t occur to him to take the ladder with him. It sucks being someone’s ladder, but you’ve probably used a guy for a leg up out of a post-relationship pit sometime in the past, right?

What you get out of this situation depends on your expectations.

Happy dating!

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