Ask Wendy

Valentine’s Is One Measly Day

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 man with valentine's hearts screaming he loves herFriday, March 3, 2017

Wendy, 

My husband f-ed up Valentine’s Day — again. He’s never gotten it right in the seven years we’ve been together. He just doesn’t think it through. I got a card, and we ate out at a place in the neighborhood we go to all the time. It was just another uneventful night, and I certainly didn’t feel special. How can I get him to nail it? He doesn’t have a clue.

Dear Disheartened,

Valentine’s Day was on a Tuesday. How amazing did you expect it would be on the most mundane night of the week? The good restaurants were packed, noisy, and had prix fixe menus at inflated prices. Flowers were triple their normal cost, and the lines at the candy shops were out the door a full week in advance. Do you really need a spectacle from him on the most inconvenient day of the year? I hate to be the Grinch that stole Valentines Day, but I’d rather you feel loved and special every day, instead of one measly day.

But I hear you, sister. If you’re jonesing for some over-the-top displays of affection, my pro tip on how to get him to nail it is to give your husband an actual clue. He’s not a mind reader, and I’m guessing his colleagues don’t address him as “detective.” Don’t wait for him to catch a clue, find one, or get it all on his own – he won’t. You might say what could make you wildly happy, then shoot for realistic so he can accomplish it – otherwise he will always and forever “fail” at this.

Telling your partner how to win with you isn’t magical, or even sexy. But it’s time we bust the myth that if someone loves you, they just know – they don’t. You have seven years of proof that what I say is true.

And let’s be real. Just between us, it’s not about a Tuesday in the middle of February, is it? I assert you don’t feel special the other 364 days. So when he doesn’t pony up on the big one, it breaks your heart. If this is the case, you have homework: Look in your relationship to see where he falls short. If you can pinpoint what’s happening, or more likely, what’s not happening, try using one of these two statements to talk it out: 

“What I love that I want more of is ____.”

“What I’d like to receive from you is ____.” 

Then follow up with the question, “Is there anything you need in order to give me what I’m asking for?”

After that, give him a turn with the same two statements.

When you’re both being appreciated, acknowledged and loved in language that works for you, you’ll feel special and adored every single day of the year, and you can leave Valentine’s Day to those who have something to prove.

 

 

Hey Wendy, 

So I’m overweight but have lost 8 pounds in the last month. I conducted a social experiment by creating two different Tinder accounts: the first using photos of me at my old weight, and the second with photos of a woman who looks a lot like I will when I lose about 20 pounds.

I swiped right 100 times. Real me got zero matches. Fake, future me got 9 guys.

I am going to lose 20 more pounds. It will take me about 10 weeks of hard work, but I’m committed. I am considering using my real photos, but with the help of Photoshop to show what I will look like soon, to try to go on dates. If I get busted, I can just say the shots are a little old and I’ve gained some weight. Since Tinder is 100% based on looks, I feel like this is my only option.

Girl, no. This is a terrible plan, and not your only option. Do you think when “real you” gets there not looking like her online photos that your date is just going to be cool with it? Trust me on this one, I assure you, he will be far from cool with it and your evening will not go well – at all – not even a little bit.

It’s devastating to watch a stranger look you up and down, a long, lingering head-to-toe gander, then meet you eye to eye and frown at you. It’s super-unpleasant, and not an experience you’d ever repeat. So learn from my mistake – represent 100% accurately who you are, right now.

If your body doesn’t fit into the classic category of what the mainstream finds attractive, that’s OK. You are in good company, sister. And I speak for all of us when I say there are PLENTY of great guys – amazing guys – who will like you exactly how you are, love handles and all.

If you want to lose weight, then go for it. But I bet you’re thinking that your guy – the best possible one for you – will only like you when you are 20 pounds thinner than you are right now. This is not the truth. It’s a trap.

Pick the guy who’s happy with you thinner or fatter than you are right now. The one who just might wine and dine you and accidentally fatten you up during the courtship. If you pick one who likes you, that extra five (or 20) pounds you gain back won’t affect his attraction for you.

There’s nothing better than being with someone who loves you for who you are – right now.

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