Ask Wendy

How Do I Tell Him My Age + Relationship Money Matters

Shares 18

Friday, March 10, 2017

Wendy, 

I’m a single 35-year-old woman without children. Young guys hit on me all the time. I used to be a model and I keep fit. They all think I’m their age.

I’ve met a wonderful man who’s 36, and he doesn’t know I’m 35 yet. He hasn’t asked for my age, but I feel he needs to know ASAP, as he might want someone younger considering I look like I’m 25 maximum. I want a husband and a family, but I’m afraid that he won’t want me because I’m too old. What if no man my age will want me anymore?

I was 35 when I started dating after a long-term marriage ended. I went on a grand total of 121 first dates, and let me assure you, honey—there’s no shortage of guys interested in 35-year-old +++ ladies out there.

Of all the things you have to worry about in life, this is not one of them. You can let this one go. If it’s bugging you, then tell him, but don’t act like it’s cancer. Say in your most upbeat voice, “You know, most people think I’m a lot younger than I am. Would you like to know how old I am?” and when he says, “Sure!” say, “35. I look amazing, right?” and then move on to the next topic.

I know many single and married women who are nearly a decade older than you who are opting to have children. I’m aware that 35 is the age where many women start to experience fertility issues, but this certainly doesn’t mean the end for you and your future family. If you have nagging concerns, share them with your OBGYN and see what your options are. Really, though—you’re young! You’re gorgeous! Get out there in the world and enjoy it.

 

 

Wendy, 

I’m a resident physician about to start my first real doctor job this summer. My husband is a teacher and his income will not change. Because of my debt and higher living expenses, our take-home pay is about the same, so in my mind, if I can afford something, so can he. Throughout the course of our marriage, money situations have been pretty typical; we have split the cost of vacations and special leisure events, but he pays for meals most of the time.

We have different priorities around how we spend money. And I’m literally going to be making 4x more than him in just a few months. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I bought us both airline tickets for vacation. Is that emasculating or insulting? I have the idea that it’s my money, so I should be able to spend it (on him) if I like, but I also don’t want to be an Alpha Female. I’d like some input on how to handle everyday situations like this.

Hey Doc,

First off, congratulations on your job!

Do you have separate accounts now? It seems like you might from your comment, “It’s my money.” If you have different priorities around money, I recommend you keep your accounts separate, but create a joint account for household expenses and shared investments.

Most men who have wives or partners that make more money than they do don’t find it emasculating. What is, however, is the attitude that can come with bigger purse strings. Buying plane tickets for both of you for vacation can be totally amazing or totally emasculating—or rather just totally off-putting—depending on how you handle the situation. Are you hitting up Expedia and then telling him, “This is what we’re doing” without getting him in on the convo first? That probably won’t land very well—the same way it wouldn’t if he did that to you.

Start by making decisions together. It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “Hey, let’s go to New Orleans in the fall for four days—we’ve always wanted to do that. I’m not a fan of coach. It would mean a lot to me if we could fly business class. Would you mind if I picked up those air tickets since it’s important to me?”

When you’re both aligned in the planning stage of decisions like these, it’s empowering, not emasculating, no matter who’s paying. Also, 50/50 is probably not the best model for you two. If you have a system that already works, great—keep it. Or try paying percentages of the bills based on means. Most importantly, don’t let him stop treating you just because your incomes don’t match up perfectly. That would be a disservice to both of you.

Shares 18
Do you have a question for Wendy? Send it to 121datequestions@gmail.com.

Ask Wendy is out every Tuesday & Friday.

Sign up to receive this column on Fridays (with an early bird question) by email here.

Submit your dating & relationship questions here.

Buy 121 First Dates on sale at Amazon.

You can have me one-on-one for any complex relationship issue you've got. Book time with me here.