Ask Wendy

Is Online For Reals? & Cherished & Safe For All

frustrated woman lost her luggage in airportFriday, January 20, 2017

Wendy, 

I put a profile up on Match.com over Christmas and within a couple of days I struck up a weeklong conversation with a guy on Whatsapp.

He lives in Sydney, I live in Adelaide. He’s an engineer who’s working in Kuala Lumpur. I’m in my mid-forties, never married, and don’t have children. He’s mid-forties, divorced nine years, and has an adult daughter.

I suppose my question is do I take a leap of faith and believe everything by taking what he says at face value as I tend to do? He asked me last night if I was chatting with anyone else, which I thought was odd.

He says when he comes back we’ll have dinner together in my town. I can’t help but picture the situation of someone leading a double life…That’s the cynic in me.

Cautiously optimistic with eyes wide open is your optimal approach for dating this guy. If you take what comes at face value and you trust an out-of-town stranger blindly (one who has not yet shown you what he can be trusted for), you’re sure to be in for trouble of one kind or another.

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Nobody’s Ever In Trouble ~ Except Maybe When They Travel

portrait of stylish business woman prepare for meeting or negotiations while she rubs her sun glasses looking worried,young attractive female sitting in modern coffee shop waiting for someone for dateFriday, January 13, 2017

Wendy, 

I’m in a new relationship that’s an easy and harmonious fit in so many ways. I’m feeling safe because I’m choosing to trust him to act with best intentions. I want to live by the “no one is ever in trouble” relationship model you and your partner share.

Having said that, there is one big difference between us. I’m a person who puts a high value on being on time. I’m not perfect but I am generally on time if not a bit early. I’m also a planner. My calendar is often booked a couple weeks out and my life is highly scheduled.

He’s in the more-than-an-hour-late camp, and I’ve experienced that on multiple occasions. I’ve tried to set us up to win by doing things like not counting on him for a ride from the airport or, if I’m at home waiting for him, being honest with myself about the fact that he will likely not arrive until quite late. Also, he identifies himself as a spontaneous person and I leave very little room in my life for spontaneity.

He and I both are clear about these aspects of ourselves and each other. We don’t want to shame or blame the other for operating our lives in the ways that work well for each of us.

I don’t want this to be a source of constant frustration for us. How might we work together in harmony and not get bogged down in complaint, disappointment and frustration over this issue?
build over time?

Wow, sister. This is a toughie.

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How Long Should I Date Someone without Chemistry?

Friday, January 6, 2017
Wendy, I’m actively dating and need your help. What should I do when I meet extraordinary guys that I don't have any chemistry for? When do you know that the chemistry is definitely not going to build over time?

This is a tricky balance between giving a guy a chance to grow on you and walking away when it’s just not happening. I’m not a fan of concrete rules, but dating expert and matchmaker to hundreds of happy couples Julie Ferman requires her female clients to go on at least three dates with him if she thinks he was amazing but that there just wasn’t much chemistry. By the third date, if they’re going to flip, they usually do.

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Do I Have to Go on a Group Trip?

Friday, January 6, 2017
Wendy, I’m married and six months pregnant. My husband and I are raising his daughter 50% of the time. So when he came home and asked me to go away with him over New Year’s Eve, I was thrilled. This is our last chance for a quick child-free getaway.

Last evening as we had dinner with his coworkers, one of them turns to my husband and says, "hey, the NYE plan sounds fun, we should set that up."

Record scratch What?

So when we’re alone I ask him about it and he was flippant about it, like "Oh yeah, I must have just forgotten to tell you I invited them." I told him I wished he’d let me know it was a group thing, I thought the getaway was just for the two of us. He said it was fine, that we don't have to go. But made me feel like I was being a party pooper.

Am I wrong? Should I just suck it up and go with the group? I feel like the third wheel in my own relationship, and I’m disappointed that we’ll miss romance during our last child-free holiday.

Dear Disappointed,

Wow, that sucks, I’m sorry!

Let’s start with, “Am I wrong?” That’s a question to ask yourself when you’re calculating a math problem, or when you’re the only one standing on the platform at the train station, but it’s probably not a great question to bandy about in your marriage. Playing round after round of who’s wrong complete with a tallied score card is a slide right into the dismal dumps. It creates discord in your relationship and will turn your husband into an opponent instead of the one who has your back. A more useful question to ask is “Does this work for me?” If you are looking at life from does this work for me (or does this work for our family), I guarantee you’ll find more peace and harmony in your marriage. (more…)

Erect vs. Flaccid & Better Together (or Not)

Friday, December 30, 2016

Wendy,

What can you tell me about erectile dysfunction? How should I deal with it? What is it? How common is it? I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I thought it was me. Help!

Some type of erectile dysfunction (ED) will touch pretty much every man in his lifetime, so tossing one out for a new one because of this would be like tossing out a woman when she hits menopause.

The most common symptom of ED is when a man can’t get or stay hard, but there are plenty of other ways the dysfunction pops up. Another one is he’ll be having sex but won’t be able to ejaculate. That’s called edging, as in the orgasm is right there on the edge, but doesn’t reach the station. It’s simple mechanics.

ED is not something you should take personally.

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Holiday Hell & Gift Giving

Friday, December 23, 2016

Wendy, my sister-in-law has hated me from the start (4 years) because of a misunderstanding that took place when I was dating my husband. She acknowledges that it was a misunderstanding but she’s still horrible to me. She does petty things whenever she can.

A few days ago I overheard her say “Ever since he married that fucking bitch…..” My husband heard it as well and he went crazy on her, and said she was dead to him.

Here’s the problem: we always have a family Christmas at his mother’s house. Sister-in-law called my husband and apologized. He told her she needs to apologize to me, not him. He asked her why she is so hateful to me and she admitted she really has no reason, she just doesn’t like me.

So, the two of them made up, Christmas dinner is on and my husband just wants everyone to get along. I have ZERO interest in spending Christmas with someone who hates me and calls me names.

So where’s your apology? Even if she does eventually apologize to you, it doesn’t sound like it would come with any amount of sincerity. I sympathize with your plight. Personally, I wouldn’t go, but I can be an asshole like that. For sure, let your husband know that “everyone getting along” is a delusional fantasy, not a reality. I’m sure there are families out there who all sing carols and sip cocoa by the fire in perfect harmony, but that ain’t ever gonna happen with a sister like that.

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Terminally Single Is Not a Status & Instagram Is Not Real Life

Friday, December 16, 2016

Wendy, my childhood friend is having her marriage celebration a year after they were married. When they tied the knot, they didn’t have the money to have a big party, so they got married at the courthouse with plans of hosting one in 2017.

So I just got the invitation, and it’s the weekend of my 30th birthday, in a rural location in my home state. If I go, this will be a big expense for me: A flight, rental car for a 5-hour drive to arrive at a cabin in a lodge type location. The plan is I’d be bunking up with my three other childhood friends and their husbands. Yes, I’m the only single one in the group.

I’m feeling anxious and unhappy about turning 30 as it is, especially given that I’m pretty much terminally single at this point. I’m not sure I want to spend that weekend with my three married friends and their husbands, to celebrate the year-old marriage of our fourth married friend. I also have very limited vacation days, and so burning two of them for this weekend seems unappealing.

I feel guilty that I’m considering not going to this celebration; I don’t want my friend to feel slighted. So basically…do I have to go?

Bunking up with married people, yay! No. You do not have to go. I’ve found that the greatest gift we receive in aging is the facility to gracefully say “no thank you” and to not feel bad about it—not even a little bit. Your “no” will get easier every year. Happy birthday!

So before you turn 30, let’s practice together, ready? Here’s your note to attach to a nice gift that costs waayyyy less than the trip in its entirety would set you back.

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Sexy Date Outfits & PDA 101

_35Friday, December 9, 2016

Wendy, what did you wear when you met all those men?  I wear dresses and boots, but I’m not getting many men and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m intimidating them by the way I am dressed. Yet I feel more comfortable in a dress and definitely look better.

Dear Boots,

There’s nothing intimidating about an article of clothing unless there are spikes coming out of it, in which case, your target audience might be a little more specific. I wore dresses, skirts, boots, and sometimes 6” stripper heels. In other words, I wore what made me happy. Yes, stripper heels made me happy—until they broke my feet and relegated me to the sartorially challenged realm of the orthopedic shoe.

I have a girlfriend who looks sensational in pantsuits. She should not wear dresses, skirts, boots, or stripper heels like me. She should wear pantsuits because she loves them and looks fantastic in them.

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Dating More Than Two & It Aint Your Mama’s Wedding

Friday, December 2, 2016

Dear Wendy,

I’m dating a man with children (15F, 19M, 23M) all living at home, full-time. They really like me, and have warmly welcomed me into the family.

I need help with sharing his time. If I try to only see him on “date nights” I miss him. We don’t want to date others but quite frankly it’s hard for me to balance my life, a life with just him, and a life with the whole gang. I enjoy them all but it’s a new experience and I find myself getting wiped out!

Hey Newcomer!

Hats off to you for winning the kids over. That part can be rough going—especially with teen girls. So: this is not a guy you’re dating, but rather a whole family you’re trying on for size. I don’t think the answer lies in a rigid formula mapping out the number of times or hours you’ll spend together. Instead, this could be a shining opportunity to master saying “no thank you” as easily as you say “Yes, that would be nice.” Set the stage now for the kind of fluidity in your schedule that serves you best and fills all your different tanks.

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That’s Just What He Does & Down Under Goes The Distance

Friday, November 25, 2016

My husband and I had a baby just nine months after we met. I then found out he had another girlfriend. I left. He apologized, promised never to do it again, and asked me to elope with him: I did.

We’re now at the three-year mark with two children. I just found a secret email account that holds 40 addresses, most of which are gay men my husband has had sex with repeatedly. Is my husband secretly gay? I am crushed. I don’t know if I can trust him. What should I do?

Dear Crushed,

Ouch! I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine how you felt the moment you found that account, and my heart goes out to you. Now, let’s get to solving this.

Your husband’s sexual orientation is not the point. The real issue here is trust.

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Dick Size Dilemma & Dating with Dollars

Friday, November 18, 2016

My husband has a huge penis and sex with him has always hurt. I haven’t said anything because I’m not sure there’s anything that can be done about it. Can you tell me if there’s a way sex can be better for me?

We women know the struggle is real, yet guys always make such a fuss about dick size. I wish everyone could get on the same page on this issue. Say it with me: It’s not the size that counts—it’s the fit. And an extra large peg trying to cram its way into a small hole sounds more like “ouch!” than “ahhh.”

This is a tricky one because all the good advice in the world won’t help if you two are too far apart in size. If this is the case, you’ll be limited to just a couple of options I’ve presented below, but hey, a couple’s better than none. Ready for my suggestions? Buckle up!

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Trumped & Tripping Through the Land of Polyamory

Friday, November 11, 2016

My partner is upset and somewhat inconsolable about the election. I’m worried. What can I do? We’ve been Trumped.

Dear Trumped,

I hear you, sister. Half (or more) of our nation is in mourning and worried sick right now. We all have work to do to bring peace, our values, and safety to those we love and those we care about. So let’s start at home.

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Sexy @ Every Size + Getting Him Off the Couch 101

Friday, November 4, 2016

I am not at my ideal weight. I don’t feel sexy, so I don’t date or pick up on cues from men. Any tips?

“Look, with my luck, I will starve myself, work out, reach my ideal weight, and then the next day get hit by a bus.” —Drew Barrymore

I’ve never met a woman who thought she’d reached her “perfect” weight and shape. Ever. The misstep here is avoiding engaging with guys because you believe your sexiness is tied to the number sewn into the back of your sweater.

We’ve had it pummeled into us that there’s only one kind of sexy: skinny, voluptuous breasts n’ booty, and feathery white wings shooting off your shoulder blades as you strut down the runway in slinky lingerie. Oh sure, we’re willing to make the occasional exception for, say, Christina Hendricks. Our society has lost its ability to distinguish reality from fantasy, and there’s very little room for anything other than that one unattainable-to-the-masses shape.

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How Do I Get Past Being Ghosted?

Friday, October 28, 2016

Okay, I’m trying to get past a guy who “ghosts” me…again and again. How do you get past your past and really find Mr. Right?

It’s much quicker to move past (and away from) someone who’s behind you rather than right in front of you.

You aren’t stuck with that ghost, even if he’s intermittently haunting you. You move past your past by leaving it exactly where it is and skating two long strides forward. Pay attention to your present, and daydream about your future ~ without him in it.

It’s tempting to indulge in daydreams of the things that you like about him, those feelings of delight and desire that are both familiar and exciting. But when the sensations are an entangled mess of pleasure, pain, and deep-rooted twinges of abandonment and unworthiness, the sweetness turns bitter.

So don’t feed the ghost. Instead, try these two experiments:

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Do I Need to Make My Partner Top Priority?

Friday, October 21, 2016

Series conclusion: What causes a relationship to go into a downward spiral? #5. Not making each other top priority.

You couldn’t stand the thought of being apart from him when you crazy kids met. But after a year of living together, you’ve picked up another kickboxing class (or two), slid Wednesday girls’ night back into the calendar, and turned Saturday into work-from-home-in-your-sweatpants overtime day.

A year or two later, kids come along, and it turns out the little buggers are dependent on you for pretty much everything. Assigning them as your first priority is the responsible thing to do, right? You’ll still find time for your honey in there somewhere.

But where?

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