I’ve been dating a great guy for the past three months. I feel like I need to tell him that a year and a half ago, I used to do porn, but I only made four videos and I got out and never went back. I really care and love him and that’s not who I am today. I was in a bad place but I want to be honest and tell him about my past because I feel like he should accept me for all of me – the good and the bad.
JF – Simi Valley, CA
How to set this conversation up is a good place to start. “I’ve done this horrible, horrible, bad thing that I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me for…” is nowhere near as empowering as “Hey, there’s this thing about my past that some people might not be able to handle, but now that I know you better, and I trust you to be cool about things, I’d like to share it with you.”
In the event that you get some version of “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I want you to remember you don’t owe anyone anything on you until you feel safe enough to share that information. Your past is your past, and as long as you didn’t bring anything with you that would impact his life (STI), you get to share your history on your own timeline and on a need-to-know basis.
Now, can we talk about “not who I am today” and “bad place”? I’m sorry you carry shame from what you’ve done. I hope you can work your way all the way through and past it. I don’t think what you did was shameful. You didn’t poison anybody. You didn’t steal, berate, or enslave anyone. You didn’t march with the Nazis.