Do You Want the Baby or the Bathwater?

young attractive hispanic couple on floor, pregnant woman sitting together handsome husband and flying stork bringing baby in pregnancy and family growth concept

Friday, February 17, 2017

Wendy, 

My girlfriend and I have been together five years. We’ve talked about what we would name kids, but two weeks ago I asked her about our future and what she wants for her life in the next decade or so.

We talked about everything from finances and careers, to moving out of our area or not. Nothing surprised me except the important thing. She told me she doesn’t want to have kids.

She said she just never pictured it in her life. She feels the physical and financial responsibilities are a lot and she also doesn’t want to be pregnant or give birth.

I love her and I can’t picture a future without her. But I always expected and want to be a dad and take care of a family. There’s no middle ground here and I don’t know what to do.

So an acquaintance of mine from Rome never wanted children, but her husband did. She said, “I’ll do it for you one time, but if I do, this child is yours; I’m not looking after it.” He assumed she’d warm up to the idea once she was pregnant. She didn’t. She meant every word she said, and she made no attempts to hide this from their child. Continue reading

Everyone Needs a Little Pragmatic BDSM Advice, Right?

Dominance, submission, switch?Friday, February 10, 2017

Hey Wendy, 

I don’t know if you can help me here, but I need some advice with my Dominant/Submissive (dom/sub) relationship.

My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. From the beginning, I’ve been the dom and she has been my sub. Recently we had a heart to heart where she expressed she’s no longer happy being the sub, and instead wants to switch our relationship around, and flip the power dynamics so she’s the dom and I’m the sub.

Could this transition work? I’m rather apprehensive, to say the least. Being a dominant is my mindset, so I’m not sure if I can make that switch, but after thinking about it, I’ve noticed her already making the switch over the last month or so in how she interacts with me.

I know she has identified as bisexual and as a switch in the past, and has been on both sides of the ball in different relationships, so maybe this is her way of expressing I’m not a good enough dominant for her, or maybe she’s bored with me and needs something new.

Dear Dom,

I’m sorry you’re getting the old switcheroo on this one. I don’t know if she’s bored with you or whether she thinks you’re a bad dom, but she certainly didn’t say either of those things. I’d ask for some clarification and reassurance if I were in your boots. While you’re at it, talk it through with her and see how you might change your relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Some people switch. For others, switching is a hard limit. Sounds like she switches with ease, but that switching might be a hard limit for you.

Continue reading

Thank God There’s More Than One “The One”

The one guy that you can tell when lyingFriday, February 3, 2017

Wendy, 

My husband and I broke up two months ago and the split was ugly. A week ago he called me and said he wanted to try again. I was very excited because I missed him so much even though my friends thought he treated me like crap.

During our reconciliation, he told me he hadn’t kissed another woman while we were apart. He also said he would never bring another woman to our house

Last night I came back to our house for the first time. Imagine my surprise when I saw a box of tampons and some makeup in our bathroom. He said he had no idea how the items got there and that they must belong to the housekeeper.

I started to cry and he said I was still “nuts” and he never once brought anyone to our house.

Then I saw the non-stop Facebook posting on a 24-year old woman’s profile. One post was teasing him for being too old for her, and his response was, “maybe you just need a good spanking from me”.

I am heartbroken — I really wanted this relationship to work again. Should I believe him that nothing happened? Am I overreacting?

Love, you know the answer to this. Why are you asking me? Come on, now. You know. I know. Everybody reading this column knows.
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Politics: Not Your Biggest Problem ~ Rolling Out the Hard Stuff

Too vocal about politics?

angry boyfriend talks politicsFriday, January 27, 2017

Wendy, 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months. Politics seem to be our biggest issue. He’s a republican and I’m a democrat. I recently attended the Women’s March with some friends and he’s livid. My sign supported Planned Parenthood, and since he’s a staunch pro-life person, he feels I want to kill babies. He also thinks I’m too vocal about my beliefs.

This guy means the world to me and I love him to bits. It sounds to me like he wants to break up, but I’m not sure, and I don’t want to. What should I do?

Dear Dem,

Please, break the fuck up already! “Politics” are not your biggest issue. You not being able to express yourself while being exactly who you are (and exactly who you are not) is the root of the trouble. It appears that the fundamental differences in your beliefs married with his dislike of you speaking your mind are killing your respect for each other, and respect is the cornerstone to any good relationship. Continue reading

Is Online For Reals? & Cherished & Safe For All

frustrated woman lost her luggage in airportFriday, January 20, 2017

Wendy, 

I put a profile up on Match.com over Christmas and within a couple of days I struck up a weeklong conversation with a guy on Whatsapp.

He lives in Sydney, I live in Adelaide. He’s an engineer who’s working in Kuala Lumpur. I’m in my mid-forties, never married, and don’t have children. He’s mid-forties, divorced nine years, and has an adult daughter.

I suppose my question is do I take a leap of faith and believe everything by taking what he says at face value as I tend to do? He asked me last night if I was chatting with anyone else, which I thought was odd.

He says when he comes back we’ll have dinner together in my town. I can’t help but picture the situation of someone leading a double life…That’s the cynic in me.

Cautiously optimistic with eyes wide open is your optimal approach for dating this guy. If you take what comes at face value and you trust an out-of-town stranger blindly (one who has not yet shown you what he can be trusted for), you’re sure to be in for trouble of one kind or another.

Continue reading

Nobody’s Ever In Trouble ~ Except Maybe When They Travel

portrait of stylish business woman prepare for meeting or negotiations while she rubs her sun glasses looking worried,young attractive female sitting in modern coffee shop waiting for someone for dateFriday, January 13, 2017

Wendy, 

I’m in a new relationship that’s an easy and harmonious fit in so many ways. I’m feeling safe because I’m choosing to trust him to act with best intentions. I want to live by the “no one is ever in trouble” relationship model you and your partner share.

Having said that, there is one big difference between us. I’m a person who puts a high value on being on time. I’m not perfect but I am generally on time if not a bit early. I’m also a planner. My calendar is often booked a couple weeks out and my life is highly scheduled.

He’s in the more-than-an-hour-late camp, and I’ve experienced that on multiple occasions. I’ve tried to set us up to win by doing things like not counting on him for a ride from the airport or, if I’m at home waiting for him, being honest with myself about the fact that he will likely not arrive until quite late. Also, he identifies himself as a spontaneous person and I leave very little room in my life for spontaneity.

He and I both are clear about these aspects of ourselves and each other. We don’t want to shame or blame the other for operating our lives in the ways that work well for each of us.

I don’t want this to be a source of constant frustration for us. How might we work together in harmony and not get bogged down in complaint, disappointment and frustration over this issue?
build over time?

Wow, sister. This is a toughie.

Continue reading

The Chemistry Conundrum & Do I Have To?

first date with flowers, chemistry not necessarily includedFriday, January 6, 2016

Wendy, I’m actively dating and need your help. What should I do when I meet extraordinary guys that I don’t have any chemistry for? When do you know that the chemistry is definitely not going to build over time?

This is a tricky balance between giving a guy a chance to grow on you and walking away when it’s just not happening. I’m not a fan of concrete rules, but dating expert and matchmaker to hundreds of happy couples Julie Ferman requires her female clients to go on at least three dates with him if she thinks he was amazing but that there just wasn’t much chemistry. By the third date, if they’re going to flip, they usually do.

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Erect vs. Flaccid & Better Together (or Not)

Friday, December 30, 2016

Wendy,

What can you tell me about erectile dysfunction? How should I deal with it? What is it? How common is it? I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I thought it was me. Help!

Some type of erectile dysfunction (ED) will touch pretty much every man in his lifetime, so tossing one out for a new one because of this would be like tossing out a woman when she hits menopause.

The most common symptom of ED is when a man can’t get or stay hard, but there are plenty of other ways the dysfunction pops up. Another one is he’ll be having sex but won’t be able to ejaculate. That’s called edging, as in the orgasm is right there on the edge, but doesn’t reach the station. It’s simple mechanics.

ED is not something you should take personally.

Continue reading

Holiday Hell & Gift Giving

Friday, December 23, 2016

Wendy, my sister-in-law has hated me from the start (4 years) because of a misunderstanding that took place when I was dating my husband. She acknowledges that it was a misunderstanding but she’s still horrible to me. She does petty things whenever she can.

A few days ago I overheard her say “Ever since he married that fucking bitch…..” My husband heard it as well and he went crazy on her, and said she was dead to him.

Here’s the problem: we always have a family Christmas at his mother’s house. Sister-in-law called my husband and apologized. He told her she needs to apologize to me, not him. He asked her why she is so hateful to me and she admitted she really has no reason, she just doesn’t like me.

So, the two of them made up, Christmas dinner is on and my husband just wants everyone to get along. I have ZERO interest in spending Christmas with someone who hates me and calls me names.

So where’s your apology? Even if she does eventually apologize to you, it doesn’t sound like it would come with any amount of sincerity. I sympathize with your plight. Personally, I wouldn’t go, but I can be an asshole like that. For sure, let your husband know that “everyone getting along” is a delusional fantasy, not a reality. I’m sure there are families out there who all sing carols and sip cocoa by the fire in perfect harmony, but that ain’t ever gonna happen with a sister like that.

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Terminally Single Is Not a Status & Instagram Is Not Real Life

Friday, December 16, 2016

Wendy, my childhood friend is having her marriage celebration a year after they were married. When they tied the knot, they didn’t have the money to have a big party, so they got married at the courthouse with plans of hosting one in 2017.

So I just got the invitation, and it’s the weekend of my 30th birthday, in a rural location in my home state. If I go, this will be a big expense for me: A flight, rental car for a 5-hour drive to arrive at a cabin in a lodge type location. The plan is I’d be bunking up with my three other childhood friends and their husbands. Yes, I’m the only single one in the group.

I’m feeling anxious and unhappy about turning 30 as it is, especially given that I’m pretty much terminally single at this point. I’m not sure I want to spend that weekend with my three married friends and their husbands, to celebrate the year-old marriage of our fourth married friend. I also have very limited vacation days, and so burning two of them for this weekend seems unappealing.

I feel guilty that I’m considering not going to this celebration; I don’t want my friend to feel slighted. So basically…do I have to go?

Bunking up with married people, yay! No. You do not have to go. I’ve found that the greatest gift we receive in aging is the facility to gracefully say “no thank you” and to not feel bad about it—not even a little bit. Your “no” will get easier every year. Happy birthday!

So before you turn 30, let’s practice together, ready? Here’s your note to attach to a nice gift that costs waayyyy less than the trip in its entirety would set you back.

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