Ask Wendy

How Do I Keep My Relationship Fresh?

Friday, September 30, 2016

Series continuation: What causes a relationship to go into a downward spiral? #2: Letting Go of the New

When you met your beloved, he was cute, cute, cute! Part of what was alluring was the mystery. Hallelujah and amen for a sexy and exciting man. Was he the person you had been praying to every imaginable God to meet one day? Would he feel the same way about you? Could you exhale with this one? What makes him tick?

The magical combination of chemistry, newness and uncertainty trigger a whole lot of hot, Eros lust. The start of a relationship is where sexual tension, steaminess and adventure dwell. And as you got to know him, and as your lives moved from two single people to two peas in a pod, you took pleasure in the discovery of this new person, right down to finishing his sentences. Knowing him afforded you confidence: You could bet that your chicken casserole would become his favorite dish, you could successfully purchase the socks he likes from a sea of brands, and you could declare with conviction the title of the film he’d appreciate for your Saturday night date – all good stuff.

Over time the uncertainty faded away as he showed up for you in all kinds of delicious ways. Like when he drove you 700 miles in a snowstorm to your grandmother’s funeral, the way he loves your dog even though he didn’t want one, and how what matters to you now matters to him. This is how a good life is meant to be, yes? Yes.

Except… here’s where we blow it:

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How Do I Respond Online?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

What’s a nice response to give when a guy has gotten a little passive aggressive because he read a question in your profile that says no thank you?

Why would you look for a nice response to give to a pansy ass resisting who you are and what you need? I’m not keen on adversarial behavior, so coming up with kind ways to reward someone who’s demonstrated behavior that’s resistant to who you are and unacceptable for a healthy partnership isn’t my strong suit.

My nicest response in this case would be none at all. Go live your life and surround yourself with people who are running towards you. Ones who if they need clarification or question your boundaries will do so directly, kindly, and with respect when asking you questions.

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Why Did He Disappear?

Friday, September 23, 2016

WTF? I started chatting with a great guy online. We texted, and I would hear from him several times throughout the day, exchanging pictures, stories, etc. He repeatedly stated how much he liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship.

We planned our first date but then, according to him, his son was hospitalized from an accident. I told him postponing our date wasn’t a problem. He continued to text regularly, telling me how much he liked me, and even stated that he no longer visited the dating website. This all seemed too good to be true. So I asked him if he was being completely honest and straight with me. He promised on his parents’ grave that he was. Anyway, this went on for over two weeks. Then suddenly he’s gone. No messages, no phone calls, nothing. What gives? If he wasn’t interested, why would he continue messaging me for so long? It seems cruel.

Dear WTF,

He was hit by a beer truck and has amnesia. No, wait, that’s not it. Did you say that one diabolical phrase that totally turned him off and made him run for the hills? Of course not. My guess? He wasn’t the man he said he was, and you were catfished.

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How Do I Say I’m Not Interested?

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

What’s the best way to communicate that you’re not interested in dating outside your race just because it’s not your flavor of attraction?

If you’re an online dater, you can use the sorting filters they provide. This gives viewers information about your preferences but won’t block them from contacting you.

If someone who isn’t your type contacts you, it’s okay to say “no.” If you’re not feeling it because your suitor is of a different race, or twice your age, half your age, works full-time as a walking sandwich board, or has beady eyes, try this reply: “Thanks so much for reaching out! After reading your profile I can see we’re not quite a match. Good luck out there!” If they reach back to engage after that, use that key on the top right of your laptop labeled “delete.”

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What Do I Do When He’s Late?

Friday, September 16, 2016

What is the best way to deal with guys showing up late on a date or not at all? 

“Hey, you know what’s better than me waiting for you? You waiting for me!” Some daters really think this.

When a guy shows up late on a date, he’s telling you who he is, so listen up! Maybe he’s always late, a never-to-be-counted-on-slacker.  Maybe he’s overly optimistic about time. Or maybe something legitimate happened that was an unusual circumstance.  I’d hear him out from a place of curiosity instead of anger. Your first few dates are a trial period of getting to know each other, and if he’s late, that’s definitely something to know about him.

Before you set out on a date…

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How Can I Spot a Player?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

What would be warning signs of a guy who is not ready to commit or a player? How can I spot a commitment-phobe? 

The real question here is what is he committing to? If he’s agreed to a date, he’s already committed to you. He’s committed to a date. You can’t expect more from a total stranger.

We want to know as soon as humanly possible if this person has staying power and the ability to commit to us, possibly for a lifetime. But trying to sort for that in the first few dates is like trying to predict who will get the final rose on “The Bachelor” on opening night of the season. I mean sure, there are some early and obvious candidates who are blowing it. You can wait for drunk girl, cuz you know she’ll show up in episode one. And keep an eye out for the slightly strange and inappropriate loudmouth. You can most def count on crazy-possessive stalker girl to lose that rose. The same can be said about a first date. If he’s a seduction scene creeper, it’s fine to belt out, “What up, player?” and be out. (And if you do this, please IPhone-record it and send it to me for my personal amusement.) For normal daters, it’s going to take some time.

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How Do I Get Past Dating Someone Overweight?

Friday, September 9, 2016

I’m a person who is fit. Health and exercise is really important to me. I’ve recently met someone who’s active but a bit overweight. How do I get past that if he seems to have everything else I’m looking for?

We humans want to be loved for exactly who we are and exactly who we are not. Maybe you get past the extra girth and maybe you don’t. You may need to find a person who’s as committed to fitness and health as you are — only you get to say. Speaking as a rotund person, I’m here to tell you it’s 100% acceptable for you to pass on this guy, and if you do, don’t be hard on yourself. You’re allowed to like what you like and have preferences.

There are specific areas of life we pay attention to. For example, I’ve plunged head-first into the area of dating, sex and relationships and I spend a ridiculous amount of time learning things, reading things, thinking about things, and discovering things in this realm. I don’t know jack shit about trigonometry, botany, or Celtic traditions. Also? I don’t put my time and attention on the types of food and exercise needed to not be a round person. I choose not to focus my time here and at the moment, I’m okay with this. Luckily for me, I chose a partner who can fully get behind all that I am (and all that I’m not).

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Is it Up to the Guy to Plan Dates?

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Is it up to the guy to plan each date?

It’s up to the guy to plan each date — if you want him to.

The beginning of my 121 first-date dating adventure started after the end of a long-term marriage. At 35, one thing I knew for sure was I was looking for an alpha male. I’m an extremely self-reliant and opinionated person, so I was truly looking for partnership, but the flavor of guy I hoped to find was a type A, decisive, masculine man who was happy to take charge. This is by no stretch of the imagination every woman’s cup of bossy-pants tea.

What’s your flavor of partner? Do you want to run the show, trade off, or have someone take charge? If you want an alpha too, I recommend you let him lead.

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What Questions Do I Ask on a Date?

Friday, September 2, 2016

What would be some key questions to ask in the dating process to find out if he is the one?

Girrrrllll… Good thing you said “dating process” I know you don’t mean when you first start dating, right? If you’re referring to the first few dates, skim the last column. Your job is to get to know this new person, don’t try to vet him too hard.

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How Did I Blow My First Date?

August 30, 2016

It seems like I’m screwing up dating lately. When I first meet the guy, he likes me but by the end of the date, he’s out. Some of them say, “It’s not you, it’s me” but I’m guessing it’s me. Could you give me advice on what to say (or not say) on a first date to make them want another one? ~ Blowing it

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Long Distance Dilemma

Dear Wendy:

About six months ago, I met a man on the Internet that I really like. He likes me too, and I’m 100% sure I’d tell him I love him if it weren’t for a little problem – he’s in a relationship. I don’t think their relationship will last. They have been together for six months and have broken up and gotten back together two times. Should I tell him I love him? I have no idea what to do.

It’s a long distance dilemma.

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Should I Leave My Boyfriend for Money?

Dear Wendy:

The guy I’m dating is fantastic. I feel like this is one of the most partnership-based relationships I’ve ever had. He’s calm and encourages me to express myself, and I feel a tremendous amount of growth with him.

So what’s the problem? He’s in the entertainment industry and he’s broke, but very talented. He’s also younger than me and is not likely to have the things a man needs in order to be ready for marriage any time soon. But we want to be together. It’s tough because I also want marriage with a man who is financially stable.

Vacillating in Vancouver

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