This is a tricky balance between giving a guy a chance to grow on you and walking away when it’s just not happening. I’m not a fan of concrete rules, but dating expert and matchmaker to hundreds of happy couples Julie Ferman requires her female clients to go on at least three dates with him if she thinks he was amazing but that there just wasn’t much chemistry. By the third date, if they’re going to flip, they usually do.
Last evening as we had dinner with his coworkers, one of them turns to my husband and says, "hey, the NYE plan sounds fun, we should set that up."
Record scratch What?
So when we’re alone I ask him about it and he was flippant about it, like "Oh yeah, I must have just forgotten to tell you I invited them." I told him I wished he’d let me know it was a group thing, I thought the getaway was just for the two of us. He said it was fine, that we don't have to go. But made me feel like I was being a party pooper.
Am I wrong? Should I just suck it up and go with the group? I feel like the third wheel in my own relationship, and I’m disappointed that we’ll miss romance during our last child-free holiday.
Wow, that sucks, I’m sorry!
Let’s start with, “Am I wrong?” That’s a question to ask yourself when you’re calculating a math problem, or when you’re the only one standing on the platform at the train station, but it’s probably not a great question to bandy about in your marriage. Playing round after round of who’s wrong complete with a tallied score card is a slide right into the dismal dumps. It creates discord in your relationship and will turn your husband into an opponent instead of the one who has your back. A more useful question to ask is “Does this work for me?” If you are looking at life from does this work for me (or does this work for our family), I guarantee you’ll find more peace and harmony in your marriage. (more…)
What can you tell me about erectile dysfunction? How should I deal with it? What is it? How common is it? I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I thought it was me. Help!
Some type of erectile dysfunction (ED) will touch pretty much every man in his lifetime, so tossing one out for a new one because of this would be like tossing out a woman when she hits menopause.
The most common symptom of ED is when a man can’t get or stay hard, but there are plenty of other ways the dysfunction pops up. Another one is he’ll be having sex but won’t be able to ejaculate. That’s called edging, as in the orgasm is right there on the edge, but doesn’t reach the station. It’s simple mechanics.
ED is not something you should take personally.
Wendy, my sister-in-law has hated me from the start (4 years) because of a misunderstanding that took place when I was dating my husband. She acknowledges that it was a misunderstanding but she’s still horrible to me. She does petty things whenever she can.
A few days ago I overheard her say “Ever since he married that fucking bitch…..” My husband heard it as well and he went crazy on her, and said she was dead to him.
Here’s the problem: we always have a family Christmas at his mother’s house. Sister-in-law called my husband and apologized. He told her she needs to apologize to me, not him. He asked her why she is so hateful to me and she admitted she really has no reason, she just doesn’t like me.
So, the two of them made up, Christmas dinner is on and my husband just wants everyone to get along. I have ZERO interest in spending Christmas with someone who hates me and calls me names.
So where’s your apology? Even if she does eventually apologize to you, it doesn’t sound like it would come with any amount of sincerity. I sympathize with your plight. Personally, I wouldn’t go, but I can be an asshole like that. For sure, let your husband know that “everyone getting along” is a delusional fantasy, not a reality. I’m sure there are families out there who all sing carols and sip cocoa by the fire in perfect harmony, but that ain’t ever gonna happen with a sister like that.
Wendy, my childhood friend is having her marriage celebration a year after they were married. When they tied the knot, they didn’t have the money to have a big party, so they got married at the courthouse with plans of hosting one in 2017.
So I just got the invitation, and it’s the weekend of my 30th birthday, in a rural location in my home state. If I go, this will be a big expense for me: A flight, rental car for a 5-hour drive to arrive at a cabin in a lodge type location. The plan is I’d be bunking up with my three other childhood friends and their husbands. Yes, I’m the only single one in the group.
I’m feeling anxious and unhappy about turning 30 as it is, especially given that I’m pretty much terminally single at this point. I’m not sure I want to spend that weekend with my three married friends and their husbands, to celebrate the year-old marriage of our fourth married friend. I also have very limited vacation days, and so burning two of them for this weekend seems unappealing.
I feel guilty that I’m considering not going to this celebration; I don’t want my friend to feel slighted. So basically…do I have to go?
Bunking up with married people, yay! No. You do not have to go. I’ve found that the greatest gift we receive in aging is the facility to gracefully say “no thank you” and to not feel bad about it—not even a little bit. Your “no” will get easier every year. Happy birthday!
So before you turn 30, let’s practice together, ready? Here’s your note to attach to a nice gift that costs waayyyy less than the trip in its entirety would set you back.
Wendy, what did you wear when you met all those men? I wear dresses and boots, but I’m not getting many men and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m intimidating them by the way I am dressed. Yet I feel more comfortable in a dress and definitely look better.
There’s nothing intimidating about an article of clothing unless there are spikes coming out of it, in which case, your target audience might be a little more specific. I wore dresses, skirts, boots, and sometimes 6” stripper heels. In other words, I wore what made me happy. Yes, stripper heels made me happy—until they broke my feet and relegated me to the sartorially challenged realm of the orthopedic shoe.
I have a girlfriend who looks sensational in pantsuits. She should not wear dresses, skirts, boots, or stripper heels like me. She should wear pantsuits because she loves them and looks fantastic in them.
Friday, December 2, 2016
I’m dating a man with children (15F, 19M, 23M) all living at home, full-time. They really like me, and have warmly welcomed me into the family.
I need help with sharing his time. If I try to only see him on “date nights” I miss him. We don’t want to date others but quite frankly it’s hard for me to balance my life, a life with just him, and a life with the whole gang. I enjoy them all but it’s a new experience and I find myself getting wiped out!
Hats off to you for winning the kids over. That part can be rough going—especially with teen girls. So: this is not a guy you’re dating, but rather a whole family you’re trying on for size. I don’t think the answer lies in a rigid formula mapping out the number of times or hours you’ll spend together. Instead, this could be a shining opportunity to master saying “no thank you” as easily as you say “Yes, that would be nice.” Set the stage now for the kind of fluidity in your schedule that serves you best and fills all your different tanks.
Friday, November 25, 2016
My husband and I had a baby just nine months after we met. I then found out he had another girlfriend. I left. He apologized, promised never to do it again, and asked me to elope with him: I did.
We’re now at the three-year mark with two children. I just found a secret email account that holds 40 addresses, most of which are gay men my husband has had sex with repeatedly. Is my husband secretly gay? I am crushed. I don’t know if I can trust him. What should I do?
Ouch! I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine how you felt the moment you found that account, and my heart goes out to you. Now, let’s get to solving this.
Your husband’s sexual orientation is not the point. The real issue here is trust.
Friday, November 18, 2016
My husband has a huge penis and sex with him has always hurt. I haven’t said anything because I’m not sure there’s anything that can be done about it. Can you tell me if there’s a way sex can be better for me?
We women know the struggle is real, yet guys always make such a fuss about dick size. I wish everyone could get on the same page on this issue. Say it with me: It’s not the size that counts—it’s the fit. And an extra large peg trying to cram its way into a small hole sounds more like “ouch!” than “ahhh.”
This is a tricky one because all the good advice in the world won’t help if you two are too far apart in size. If this is the case, you’ll be limited to just a couple of options I’ve presented below, but hey, a couple’s better than none. Ready for my suggestions? Buckle up!
Friday, November 11, 2016
I hear you, sister. Half (or more) of our nation is in mourning and worried sick right now. We all have work to do to bring peace, our values, and safety to those we love and those we care about. So let’s start at home.
Friday, November 4, 2016
I am not at my ideal weight. I don’t feel sexy, so I don’t date or pick up on cues from men. Any tips?
“Look, with my luck, I will starve myself, work out, reach my ideal weight, and then the next day get hit by a bus.” —Drew Barrymore
I’ve never met a woman who thought she’d reached her “perfect” weight and shape. Ever. The misstep here is avoiding engaging with guys because you believe your sexiness is tied to the number sewn into the back of your sweater.
We’ve had it pummeled into us that there’s only one kind of sexy: skinny, voluptuous breasts n’ booty, and feathery white wings shooting off your shoulder blades as you strut down the runway in slinky lingerie. Oh sure, we’re willing to make the occasional exception for, say, Christina Hendricks. Our society has lost its ability to distinguish reality from fantasy, and there’s very little room for anything other than that one unattainable-to-the-masses shape.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Okay, I’m trying to get past a guy who “ghosts” me…again and again. How do you get past your past and really find Mr. Right?
It’s much quicker to move past (and away from) someone who’s behind you rather than right in front of you.
You aren’t stuck with that ghost, even if he’s intermittently haunting you. You move past your past by leaving it exactly where it is and skating two long strides forward. Pay attention to your present, and daydream about your future ~ without him in it.
It’s tempting to indulge in daydreams of the things that you like about him, those feelings of delight and desire that are both familiar and exciting. But when the sensations are an entangled mess of pleasure, pain, and deep-rooted twinges of abandonment and unworthiness, the sweetness turns bitter.
So don’t feed the ghost. Instead, try these two experiments:
Friday, October 21, 2016
Series conclusion: What causes a relationship to go into a downward spiral? #5. Not making each other top priority.
You couldn’t stand the thought of being apart from him when you crazy kids met. But after a year of living together, you’ve picked up another kickboxing class (or two), slid Wednesday girls’ night back into the calendar, and turned Saturday into work-from-home-in-your-sweatpants overtime day.
A year or two later, kids come along, and it turns out the little buggers are dependent on you for pretty much everything. Assigning them as your first priority is the responsible thing to do, right? You’ll still find time for your honey in there somewhere.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Series continuation: What causes a relationship to go into a downward spiral? #4: Never let anything be good enough, and criticize the crap out of everything.
Most of us women hate criticism. We hate it. But we take it if it’s good advice. Do you know if a random street person off their meds told me I looked ugly in purple, I may never wear that color again? It’s true. Hopefully, unlike me, you consider the source before you change your habits (or your sweater), but you get the idea.
We make changes in our lives based on outside influences, pressures, and suggestions all the time.
Because we assume men are the same, we often use criticism as a way to get them to change, to do something we want them to do, to stop doing something we don’t, or to just get them off the goddamned couch and take out the trash already.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Series continuation: What causes a relationship to go into a downward spiral? #3: Being Unhappy
I’ll be happy when…
- I meet him
- My finances aren’t so out of whack
- My kids are happy
- My health is better
- He marries me
- I finish (fill in the blank here)
This list? It’s a trap. And it’s not true. You’ll be happy for about five seconds until you see another thing that needs to be accomplished, then another and another, and soon you’ll be right back to feeling down on yourself.
Happiness is something that we all look for, hope for, or are envious of in others. A lucky few of us understand that happiness is a constant choice, not a circumstance or static state of being. Happiness is a place to come from within ourselves, and even knowing that, we sometimes fail at being happy.