Ask Wendy

Does Porn Play Out In Real Life?

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Friday, April 7, 2017

her examining his porn history
Hey Wendy, I am in a relationship with an amazing man. I have known him for 5 years and we’ve been together a little over a year now.A couple months ago I found out that he was very much into incest porn. This is something he is extremely ashamed about.One night, after he fell asleep, I checked his history even though I told him I would respect his personal life. But what I found was brother/sister porn.

When I confronted him about the brother/sister porn he told me he tried watching different types of porn but it always ends up there. That was the only porn he could get off to.

The last time we had sex we were looking into each other’s eyes and then put his head next to mine as he went to town and came.

I feel like I don’t satisfy him anymore because maybe he’s fantasizing about his sister. I think he has some issues he needs to speak to someone about. When he calls himself daddy to me, is he thinking of me, or his sister? Because when he calls himself daddy I am not thinking about my dad even though I call my father daddy, he is not who pops up in my head.

Hey Snoopy,

There’s a lot to unpack here. I see at least three different issues we can explore. Let’s start with the porn, then work our way over to your sex life, and we’ll wrap up with the roleplaying/Daddy thing.

So, before I dove into this, I checked out the pool I’d be swimming in. I Googled “incest porn” and the large, free porn site, PornHub.com, popped up. (See the things I’ll do for you, readers?) So, with my volume turned allllllllll the way down, I scanned some vids to confirm my hunch. The ones titled “daddy/daughter” and “brother/sister” featured men and women over 18 engaging in sexualized roleplaying scenarios.

Adult roleplaying is not child pornography. For the record, I do not condone child pornography, and if he’s into that, all bets are off and what I say here no longer applies.

People have fetishes and preferences. Some are more out there than others. You have the right to “confront” him about his as much as he has the right to confront you on how you clip your toenails. This is to say that, my love, his kinks are none of your business unless he wants to share them with you. What someone else thinks or fantasizes about is not for you or about you, and any shame or confusion he might harbor about this is for him to sort out.

This means don’t talk to him about it unless he brings it up, and don’t snoop about it—snooping is not okay. If this freaks you out too much, well, then this might be the sticking point that ends the relationship—just don’t drag him off to counseling, because his outré porn preferences don’t mean that there must be something “wrong” with him.

Next, your sex life: You were looking into each other’s eyes, and then he put his head next to yours as he went to town and came. That’s normal. When we’re having sex, we often need to stay “in the zone.” Sometimes that means fantasizing a bit, sometimes it means closing off too much sensory input—you name it. Sometimes staring into your partner’s eyes creates a distraction from the focus required to keep going—this is not personal, but rather mechanical. This is for you, not against you, and has nothing to do with his feelings for or attraction to you.

And finally, the Big D: He refers to himself as “Daddy” with you. Don’t like it? Draw a boundary around it. You can say, “Please don’t call yourself Daddy around me. I already have a daddy, and I’m not into that kind of play.” Or if you think it’s cute or sexy, run with it. But “Daddy” doesn’t have any more to do with real-life incest than calling your lover “baby” does. “Baby” doesn’t mean you’re having sex with an infant, does it?

To sum up, I think what we’ve learned today is that there’s likely nothing wrong with your guy. There is something wrong with invading someone’s private life, however. If you can’t live with what you’ve learned, break up and don’t torture each other. And in the future, don’t dive into someone’s private life without their consent—you never know what you might learn. Good luck with sorting it all out, girl!

To read more about couples and the use of porn, click here.

 

 

How Do I Get a Commitment After Sex?

Hi Wendy,

I put myself back in the world of online dating at the start of this year. I’ve been dating a lot of different guys, but there’s one that’s a standout. We’ve had 6 dates now, but I’m still dating others. This guy seems to really like me. He’s mentioned me to important people in his life, and he wants to take me to the family cabin in Tahoe.

Here’s my question: I really like him and don’t particularly want to date other guys. I want him to lead the direction of this relationship but he hasn’t asked me about being exclusive. What do I do? Do I discontinue dating other men but not tell him, or do I let him know that I won’t be sexually active with him anymore until we agree to be exclusive? Or how does this thing work?

Dear Dater,

So far this sounds promising, congratulations! This exclusivity thing is not an uncommon problem; it plagues women from around the globe. I’d say this: If you want him to lead the direction of this relationship, then let him lead. I’m always a fan of that, because if he’s leading, then you can see where he’s leading you to—down a path to a happy life together, or straight into a ditch. Letting him lead also allows for the space to show if he’s going to put those words into actions; it’s a way to gather data that will help you determine if this potential relationship has legs to stand on.

You can point him in the direction you hope to go, but asking for exclusivity is you directing the terms of a relationship.

You two are still new, and I imagine you don’t have enough information about each other or time logged to commit. But then there’s the sex. I understand your desire for exclusivity—it’s a bit of a pickle.

Your wish to only see him is your choice. There’s no wrong answer here; it’s a personal preference. Some singles like to date one person at a time (which isn’t really dating at all, it’s serial monogamy), and others like to date more than one person until enough information has been gathered to make an informed choice. So I’ll leave that up to you.

Love, I’m sorry if I don’t sound like much help here, but this is what dating often looks like. Wading through the uncertainty until you’ve reached a point of predictability and reliability, and there’s no life-hack that will shortcut this experience. Be authentic, say what you mean when you communicate with him as if he were your friend, and that’s the best you can do.

Good luck!

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