Ask Wendy

My Boyfriend Likes Kinky Violent Porn. Will I Have to Do These Things?

Friday, August 25, 2017
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Ask Wendy: How Do I Deal with His kinky violent High Sex Drive?
Hey Wendy,

My boyfriend has always been into kinky and violent porn. For example: he likes to watch women getting whipped (their butts and vaginas), and he has done that to me while having sex. I don't like it that much, but I go along with it because it satisfies him. He doesn't do it every time. Sometimes the sex is tender and romantic.

Last week he told me he is into porn that shows men forcing anal sex on women. He said he likes to see them weep, shout in pain, and beg the man to stop. He called me today to tell me he wants us to do that tonight.

I don't mind doing anal. But I like to prepare for it first so that it doesn't hurt. I don't know if I want to have anal if I'm not going to be properly prepared down there. What do you think of all of this? Does this mean sexual fantasies escalate? Should I do it? Help!

CF – Phoenix, AZ

Hey C –

Let’s assume for the sake of this conversation that the type of “kinky violent” porn your boyfriend is watching is theater, the kind where the adult actors are agreeable, consenting and down for this kind of power exchange scene. I consulted with a sex worker friend, she assured me that this is the majority of this genre of porn. So let’s go with that, shall we?

We are all entitled to our private thoughts, erotic fantasies and imagination. What turns us on is no one else’s business. But when your guy wants to bring fantasy into reality, then yeah, it kind of is your business.

As a partner, you want to be GGG. That stands for “good, giving and game,” a term coined by the amazing Dan Savage. This means you should strive to be good in bed, giving in equal time and pleasure, and game – but that’s game for anything within reason. You get to say what’s in reason for you.

In your question, you said, “And he has done that to me while having sex.” Please… I beg you, don’t let your boyfriend do anything “to you” sexually. Instead, allow him to do things with you. In other words, while it may appear to someone looking in that it’s “to you,” you are actually game and giving your full consent to what’s happening. Be on board.

And game doesn’t mean working on getting yourself to “fine” when you really don’t want to do that thing – ever. Like, for instance, experiencing dry-docking up your ass. Jesus H. Christ on a stick! Not to be judgie, but I’m pretty game to try new, fun things. And I would never sign up for that. There’ll be bleeding, tearing and most likely some damage, so consider that before you say, “Hell yes, I can’t wait.”

Because your boyfriend has a broad imagination, I want to leave you with this: Whenever you try something new, potentially out of your comfort zone, try to think it all the way through in advance. Ask yourself the question, If I had it all my way, what could I have before, during and after this event so it’s amazing? Also, think through what can’t happen or you will stop. You two should come up with a safe word, so that when you call that word out, he stops doing whatever he’s doing immediately. Because you can’t always predict how a new act will go, it might just go sideways or be too painful. And when he stops as you asked, take care of yourself, but see that he’s taken care of too. Touch him, kiss him or use your words to let him know he did what you asked, and he’s not in trouble with you. Sexual escapades are a vulnerability for everyone.

Be safe and have fun out there.

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