Ask Wendy

How Do I Ask My Boyfriend to Do His Part Before He Moves In?

Tuesday, July 4, 2017
husband won't leave the house
Hey Wendy,

My boyfriend wants to move in, and my concern is that he's not going to be carrying his own weight if we move in together. Not just on a financial level, but really everything else, like running errands chores and things like that.

Any time I try to talk about this though he either gets upset, or tries to change the topic. His response is usually something along the lines of, "love will figure it out". I just don't know how to have this discussion.

Hey friend,

It sounds like you’ve already tried to have this discussion. This doesn’t look so good. The next time he brings up moving in, if I were in your shoes, I’d respond with, “Yeah—that’s not going to happen until we can have an adult conversation about division of costs and labor. Love doesn’t magically figure this out, we do. Are you ready to talk about that now?”

Keep your eyes wide open and make real agreements that have more to do with accountability and less to do with expectations before moving in (pssst: chore wheels are your friend). If one or both of you doesn’t plan to do the essential domestic work of sharing a household like housekeeping or errands, then you can make arrangements to outsource some of it. The division of labor may be different, but you can at least make it equal.

Good luck!

Do you have a dating, sex or relationship question for Wendy? Send it to

Ask Wendy comes out every Friday.

Sign up to receive this column by email here.

Buy 121 First Dates on sale at Amazon.

Support Wendy’s writing on Patreon.