How Do I Stop Comparing Myself to His Ex?

Friday, May 26, 2017

Hey Wendy

I am having trouble with comparing myself to my boyfriend’s ex. Before I ever met him, I knew his mother. She would show me pictures of him and his ex-fiancé, and she talked well of her.

They were together for six years. They come from a small town where they were treated like a celebrity couple. I see old photos online where it seems like hundreds of people were rooting for them.

When it comes to past relationships, the less I know the better, but I knew all about this other woman before I ever spoke one word to my boyfriend, so I’m having trouble feeling like I’m not as good and won’t measure up.

Hey Girlfriend,

You are not competing with her. He is your boyfriend. He is not holding her up in his mind while running an analysis against everything you do to see how you measure up. “Hmm…Margie kept a cleaner house than Carrie, so I still like Margie better.” This. Is. Not. Happening. He’s also not in bed with you comparing your body to hers—I can just about promise you that. Men tend to just focus on one thing, one person, one act at a time, and when he’s in the moment with you, he’s in the moment with you.

I hear you when you say it’s uncomfortable knowing all these details about your love’s past relationship, but here’s the thing: He had a whole life before you showed up (just like you did). There were people around—some of whom he loved, hung out with, drank beers with, flirted with, kissed, wished he could kiss—long before you. He is entitled to a history.

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How Soon Is Too Soon for Sex Talk?

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Hey Wendy

Sometimes when I chat with guys online, they are quick to talk about or reference sex in our first conversation. That creeps me out. Here’s my question: I’m wondering if I should try and get used to it, or do something differently because sexual banter is okay, or is this a major sign to leave that person alone?

Hey Dater,

When a guy talks about sex in the first few exchanges before ever meeting you, he’s letting you know what he wants—and what he wants is, well. sex. He’s also telling you he doesn’t have enough regard for you (or he doesn’t have enough brains in his head) to not risk blowing it with you by bringing up boning before you’ve even gotten to beers Continue reading

What If I’m Not His Type?

Friday, May 19, 2017

Hey Wendy

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He recently admitted to me that he was generally attracted to a different body type than mine and that he sometimes finds me physically unattractive.

He now feels awful for telling me, and he likes me in every other way. He says he and I just click, he’s happy, and he’s never been in a relationship so long.

He also emphasized that this was not how he always feels about me, but fuck, what do I do with this? I am not an unattractive lady. I love him and I don’t want to lose him, but ughhh…

Hey girlfriend,

Wow, I’m so sorry! That must have been incredibly painful to hear and a real hit to your ego. Ouch!

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there are plenty of guys out there who will be attracted to you just as you are. The bad news is that this situation is not good news for your relationship.

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How Can I Get Him to Remember My Birthday?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Hey Wendy

My significant other of four years has forgotten my birthday for two years in a row. Today is my birthday and I just don’t know how I feel about this.

I don’t care about presents at all—like AT ALL—and he knows that. All I wanted was a greeting or acknowledgement that it’s my birthday, and nothing. He knew my birthday was coming up but just completely forgot that today is THE day.

He tried to apologize but just didn’t sound sincere (or maybe I just didn’t want to listen to his reasoning, not sure). Do I have the right to feel shitty or am I overreacting?

Hey girlfriend,

Happy birthday! Sorry he forgot. To answer your questions: Do you have the right to feel shitty or are you overreacting…

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How Can I Avoid Online Dating Burnout?

Friday, May 12, 2017

online dating headaches

Hey Wendy

Online dating can wipe me out. Especially when it comes to email. I get tons of messages from guys that I’m just not interested in. Any suggestions on how to not allow the online dating process to not feel like a draining sorting process?

Dear Dater,

Popularity does have its downsides.

Here’s what to do: Before you open your inbox, try editing your profile. Toward the end of your blurb, say something like, “I look forward to hearing from you! I respond to those who write more than six words and fit within the online pull-down specifications outlined in my profile.”

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My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Get Married, Help!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

the marriage question

Hi Wendy

My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married anymore. We’re 28 and have been together for 11 years now.

It was love at first sight, but we lived four hours apart and that distance took a toll on our relationship. A few years in, I left my small town and went to live with him in the big city, but within a few months of being together we were on again / off again for about a year. He proposed but took the ring back 11 days later.

We are together again, and we recently moved a thousand miles away from everyone/everything we know, so he could pursue his career. Now he tells me he never wants to get married or have kids. I am fine with it, I guess. Is it normal for a guy to change his mind like that? He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am confused.
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How Long Can He Hold His Trump Card

Tuesday, May 5, 2017

she flirted, he won't let her forget

Hi Wendy

About 5 years ago my husband and I moved in with his parents so we could save up some money to buy a house. Turns out his mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist, which I kinda had a hint of from early in our relationship, but thought it wouldn’t be a problem since we were gonna be living in a basement apartment separate from her.

Well turns out they wanted us to integrate, and made sure to keep their computer, tv, couch, etc down there to use whenever.

Fast forward a year, and I had basically become enslaved. My husband’s mother says things to keep me down, makes me cook dinner for everyone, clean up the whole house, take care of the dogs, take her younger kids to school and pick them up. She knew since we were living there she could basically do whatever she wanted. I was extremely depressed, basically wanted to die all the time and eventually found a meetup group to go hang out with to give myself something to do. Continue reading

Penis Size Is Not the Problem

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

is penis size an issue?


Hi Wendy
 
My boyfriend is pretty self-conscious about his penis size. His ex-girlfriend was not too kind with her words on the matter.
 
Size is not an issue for me; I love the man. And in my opinion, he’s actually pretty average. I just would like some advice on what I can do to help make him comfortable with himself around me, and make it known that it’s personally not an issue.

 

Dear Girlfriend,

Aargh, humans! We say the dumbest things sometimes. There are thoughtless people scattered across the globe who say devastating things to others, and I’m sorry his ex-girlfriend is one of them.

I think for most women it’s not the size that matters, it’s the fit. And a good, solid set of skills doesn’t hurt either.

So how do you clean up her mess? The next opportunity you have where you’re both chilling and chatting in a non-sexy setting, try saying something like this: “Hey, I’m so sorry your stupid ex-girlfriend made hurtful remarks to you about your size. That was cruel, even if she didn’t mean it to be. She’s wrong, and by the way, I think your size is normal. I know what she said has caused you feelings of inadequacy but I want to say for the record, I think we are a nice fit together, and larger or smaller just wouldn’t be us. And I LOVE us! So, can you please know that I think you’re awesome and you totally rock my world in bed? I love you.” Hopefully that will give him peace.

How Can I Tell Him?

Friday, April 28, 2017

home needs repairs can't invite him over


Hey Wendy
 
I have been dating this man exclusively for two months. We both have pretty strong feelings and see this being a long-term thing. Our only problem is that I can’t invite him over.
 
He asks why and I’ve told him I’m embarrassed by the shape of my home, which is 100% true. It is old and just absolutely falling apart. There are so many things that need to be repaired and I don’t have the time, money or skill to do them myself, so some of these things have snowballed into bigger issues. He has seen the outside of the house, so he knows I’m not making that up. He tells me constantly that he won’t judge me, he doesn’t care, and he wants to help me get things on track. I believe him, and based on that alone I would swallow my pride and let him in. The only thing holding me back now is that I have… roaches! I am so ashamed. I haven’t told him that part.
 

I keep a clean house. They came from my next-door neighbor, who had roaches and set off bug bombs. I have tried everything short of setting off my own bug bombs and calling the exterminator. (No bug bomb yet because I have indoor pets and can’t figure out where to take them for the process, and no exterminator because I am broke and ashamed for even the exterminator to see inside my home.) I don’t know what to do…

Dear Over-Your-Head,

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Can Couples with Different Work Priorities Stay Together?

Friday, April 21, 2017

helping hand up the mountain


Hey Wendy

My boyfriend and I value work and career very differently.

He’s amazing at what he does, and he’s in the top of his field. He likes what he does, but he doesn’t live for work. He has a work/life balance that I just don’t have because he goes there, gets the job done, but it ends there for him.

I make a lot less than he does but I work twice as hard and twice the hours. I try to always take advantage of the opportunities that come up to build my career and these opportunities end up being conflicts in our relationship. I’m willing to do what it takes, even if that means I’m traveling a lot, I was out of the country for over a month last month. Do you think we shouldn’t be together? Is there anything that can make this work?

Dear Ambitious,

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