How Can I Tell Him?

Friday, April 28, 2017


Hey Wendy
 
I have been dating this man exclusively for two months. We both have pretty strong feelings and see this being a long-term thing. Our only problem is that I can’t invite him over.
 
He asks why and I’ve told him I’m embarrassed by the shape of my home, which is 100% true. It is old and just absolutely falling apart. There are so many things that need to be repaired and I don’t have the time, money or skill to do them myself, so some of these things have snowballed into bigger issues. He has seen the outside of the house, so he knows I’m not making that up. He tells me constantly that he won’t judge me, he doesn’t care, and he wants to help me get things on track. I believe him, and based on that alone I would swallow my pride and let him in. The only thing holding me back now is that I have… roaches! I am so ashamed. I haven’t told him that part.
 

I keep a clean house. They came from my next-door neighbor, who had roaches and set off bug bombs. I have tried everything short of setting off my own bug bombs and calling the exterminator. (No bug bomb yet because I have indoor pets and can’t figure out where to take them for the process, and no exterminator because I am broke and ashamed for even the exterminator to see inside my home.) I don’t know what to do…

Dear Over-Your-Head,

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Can Couples with Different Work Priorities Stay Together?

Friday, April 21, 2017

helping hand up the mountain


Hey Wendy

My boyfriend and I value work and career very differently.

He’s amazing at what he does, and he’s in the top of his field. He likes what he does, but he doesn’t live for work. He has a work/life balance that I just don’t have because he goes there, gets the job done, but it ends there for him.

I make a lot less than he does but I work twice as hard and twice the hours. I try to always take advantage of the opportunities that come up to build my career and these opportunities end up being conflicts in our relationship. I’m willing to do what it takes, even if that means I’m traveling a lot, I was out of the country for over a month last month. Do you think we shouldn’t be together? Is there anything that can make this work?

Dear Ambitious,

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How Do I Get Over An Ex I’m Still Having Sex With?

Friday, April 14, 2017

heartbroken going cold turkey

Hey Wendy,


My ex broke up with me a couple of months ago. I’ve tried the no contact thing, but I miss speaking to him. We’ve met up for sex a few times. Before and during it I’m okay with it, but the next day I feel hollow inside and swear that I’d not do it again, but I end up going back just to feel close to him—I cave into the crave. How do I stop? I miss him so much, and enjoy his company, but I know that I’m hurting myself doing this, but it also hurts not seeing him at all.

Dear Ex,

Most of us have been there before, and it’s painful—I’m so sorry! Going cold turkey feels like the wrong thing to do…but it’s not. The answer to “how do I stop?” Is simple: You stop. Why? Because you decide to.

Now, just because something is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. You’ve probably heard of the hormone oxytocin. Its purpose is to bond us to other humans. When a mother gives birth, her body floods with oxytocin to help her bond with the baby and care for it at a time when she’s exhausted, needs to recover, and would probably rather be sleeping. Oxytocin is also released in our system when we have sex! I could give you the long and complicated story of why, but the bottom line is it happens because biology is doing its part to keep humans alive on the planet.

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Does Porn Play Out In Real Life?

Friday, April 7, 2017

her examining his porn history
Hey Wendy, I am in a relationship with an amazing man. I have known him for 5 years and we’ve been together a little over a year now.A couple months ago I found out that he was very much into incest porn. This is something he is extremely ashamed about.One night, after he fell asleep, I checked his history even though I told him I would respect his personal life. But what I found was brother/sister porn.

When I confronted him about the brother/sister porn he told me he tried watching different types of porn but it always ends up there. That was the only porn he could get off to.

The last time we had sex we were looking into each other’s eyes and then put his head next to mine as he went to town and came. Continue reading

How To Date A Rockstar

Friday, March 31, 2017musician boyfriend and financial concerns

Wendy, 

I really like the guy I’m dating, and he’s following his passion in music but he’s financially unstable and he makes significantly less than I do. How do I deal with the financial situation of someone I’m dating?

It’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact that there might be a point in our relationship where I may need to be the financial pillar. I can definitely support myself but supporting someone else is scary. He does live on his own with a handful of housemates so he’s independent. But typically artists/musicians don’t make a lot. Financial situations can change over time so I feel like what I’m scared of now may not follow me into the future.

Dear Financially Freaked,

What a great opportunity you have to use your words! I know, I know, I’m being snarky, but really: Don’t leave this to chance. Talk to him.

Does he have a plan for paying the bills while he’s investing in his passion? Do you share similar lifestyle expectations? What’s his relationship with money? Has he planned for a side job that will help the two of you make ends meet? Is he realistic about finances, or does he believe that money is something that other people worry about?

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How Can I Get Her To Like Me? + Where Are All The Single Guys Over 50?

Friday, March 24, 2017

contention with the old girlfriend

Hey Wendy, 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year. He doesn’t have many friends and his ex girlfriend is one of his closest friends. They “share” her dog. He loves this dog, and sees his ex like a sister. I don’t have a problem with that.

What does bother me is that 1) the ex does not like me, and 2) boyfriend refuses to make any effort to change that situation.

Why doesn’t she like me, you ask? About six months ago, boyfriend and I addressed some trust issues. Now she sees me as untrustworthy.

I’ve asked him if he thinks she could ever learn to like me, but he claims she’s very stubborn and probably won’t back down. He then shrugs and says it sucks for him to be in the middle, but there’s nothing he can do.

Currently, he sees her and the dog about once a week, and it doesn’t usually conflict with our time together. It sucks to feel like a part of his life is completely walled off to me.

It breaks my heart that he can’t and won’t budge on this. I’m not sure what to make of the fact that he won’t put in any effort to help his best friend/ex see me in a better light.

This problem you have is not your boyfriend’s to fix. Please don’t put this on him or put him through the paces about it. He doesn’t have the magical power to change people, and that’s a good thing, because everybody gets to own their own feelings.

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Should I Tell My Number? + Can’t Take A Complement

Friday, March 17, 2017

are you hiding your number?

Wendy, 

At the start of dating, my wife told me the number of men she’s had sex with was 3. She’s recently admitted that the real number is 40. How do I not despise her for this? She has been my best friend for a long time, but she has also lied a LOT about sexual things.

Huh! I wonder what I would say to a woman who wrote to me and said, “When I first met my husband, he asked me my number. I was so afraid of being slut-shamed that I wasn’t truthful, and I told him it was 3.  But now that I know, love, and trust him and we’re best friends, I decided to risk it and tell him the truth. My real number is 40. Big mistake! Now he despises me. What do I do?”

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How Do I Tell Him My Age + Relationship Money Matters

Friday, March 10, 2017

Wendy, 

I’m a single 35-year-old woman without children. Young guys hit on me all the time. I used to be a model and I keep fit. They all think I’m their age.

I’ve met a wonderful man who’s 36, and he doesn’t know I’m 35 yet. He hasn’t asked for my age, but I feel he needs to know ASAP, as he might want someone younger considering I look like I’m 25 maximum. I want a husband and a family, but I’m afraid that he won’t want me because I’m too old. What if no man my age will want me anymore?

I was 35 when I started dating after a long-term marriage ended. I went on a grand total of 121 first dates, and let me assure you, honey—there’s no shortage of guys interested in 35-year-old +++ ladies out there.

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Valentine’s Is One Measly Day

 man with valentine's hearts screaming he loves herFriday, March 3, 2017

Wendy, 

My husband f-ed up Valentine’s Day — again. He’s never gotten it right in the seven years we’ve been together. He just doesn’t think it through. I got a card, and we ate out at a place in the neighborhood we go to all the time. It was just another uneventful night, and I certainly didn’t feel special. How can I get him to nail it? He doesn’t have a clue.

Dear Disheartened,

Valentine’s Day was on a Tuesday. How amazing did you expect it would be on the most mundane night of the week? The good restaurants were packed, noisy, and had prix fixe menus at inflated prices. Flowers were triple their normal cost, and the lines at the candy shops were out the door a full week in advance. Do you really need a spectacle from him on the most inconvenient day of the year? I hate to be the Grinch that stole Valentines Day, but I’d rather you feel loved and special every day, instead of one measly day. Continue reading

Let’s Call It Internet Connecting, Not Internet Dating

Friday, February 24, 2017

Hey Wendy, 

This week, I’ve been texting a guy who reached out to me online. We had all sorts of fun, teasing texts earlier in the week, with mentions of possibly getting together for a quick drink and Hello on Thursday. Well, time passes with no word from him after Tuesday. Finally, at 5:00 PM Thursday, he texts me like no time has passed. I’m cranky.

Question: I really hate feeling ignored, and yet I know I’ve never met him, and he’s not in love with me, and, aside from all that, he’s leading a busy life. What’s reasonable to expect in the texting phase?

Online Dating Lesson #1: In order to stay happy and sane as an online dater, hold zero expectations until you’ve met your connection face to face. It’s kind of a good rule for life in general, too—if you haven’t met someone, you can’t trust them for anything.

Train a little part of your brain to say to you, “this could be a twelve-year-old girl I’m texting,” because hey, that’s actually plausible. Or you might be sending sexy texts to a guy twice your age who has no intention of ever meeting you but is lonely and bored in his marriage. It could be someone who’s housebound who flirts via text to pass the time. These scenarios are all as plausible as him being the awesome, busy guy that he bills himself to be.

I vote we change the term “internet dating” to “internet connecting”because you’re not really “dating” online; you’re just gaining access to people you wouldn’t normally run into in your real world. The actual dating happens out in the cafes, the restaurants, the parks, the bowling alleys—not online. It’s why I stress taking your online connection offline and into the real world right away. I know you were already trying to do this; I’m just throwing a reminder out there for the readers.

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